Sunday, September 28, 2008

"Beverly Hills Chihuahua" is Terrible

     I know that this is going to ruffle a few feathers with you out there Company, but sometimes as a public personality you have to take a firm if unpopular stance and trust that the public will still respect you enough to come back.  So that is what I am going to do here today.  Are you ready? Beverly Hills Chihuahua may be the most annoying movie in the history of the world.
     I have never even seen Beverly Hills Chihuahua but I can already tell that it is awful on a level that only fans of The Chevy Chase Show talk show can understand.  Seriously, I can tell that just by seeing the same lame commercial for it over and over and over.  Let's talk about some of the reasons why it's terrible.
    It's a terrible story.  There, that's one big part.  A Beverly Hills socialite lost in Mexico that gets saved by a run-of-the-mill everyday guy.  Let me guess, she ends up falling in love with him and when he rescues her and they live happily ever after.  That doesn't happen.  Trust me.  So I don't need to see it happen in Disney fantasy version.  I don't know who green lighted this movie but I sort of want to choke them by their necktie for making me put up with this shit.  And for Christ's sake, why make a lame story even lamer by making chihuahuas be the main characters?
     I know why they made chihuahuas the main characters.  Because people think that they are cute.  And people think that they are even cuter when they are talking.  And some people think that they are even cuter when dressed up like Hollywood celebrities.  Well those people are stupid.  Very, very stupid.  I am sorry, that is just how it has to be.  So now not only do we get to deal with an annoying storyline, but we get to deal with super annoying chihuahuas acting it out.  Great.  Oh, and one more thing.  They get to be pampered.  Because bratty people who get everything that they want regardless of cost or effort aren't annoying and sickening enough, but we have to make lame dogs be that way too now?  Fantastic.  Gag me with a f&@*$!g spoon. 
    So what else makes this movie more terrible than terrible?  How about a nice, thick layer of atrocious Disney cheese melted over the top of the whole thing?  Is that enough?  Because this movie isn't a light, crisp classic like Snow White or Bambi.  It's something straight out of the Disney sales machine and it is covered with the ooze of popular culture.  It's covered with a dose of everything that girls aged 4-24 love and think is cute, and that boys aged 4-8 think is funny.  But it's not funny, is it Company?  It's just terrible.  
    I don't think that this movie should be on any movie screen anywhere.  Maybe in prisons as a sort of extra punishment for the worst criminals known to man.  Perhaps in Dr. Kevorkian's office.  But not in your friendly local movie theatre.  I am seriously going to dark out my windows like it's a war zone when it starts playing at the theatre across the street.  And I am not going to come out of my guest room except to pee until it's all over.  Thankfully movies don't play very long over there.  And you know what?  That movie shouldn't be on my TV either.  The FCC should make some calls and every second of advertising should be pulled from the airwaves.  Because it's not like the ads are playing only on channels that target children.  Oh no, they are on National Geographic Channel, they are sponsoring sports events, they are all over.  They are probably on billboards and the sides of buildings and that should be stopped as well. 
   So let's wipe this movie off the face of the earth.  I would be so unbelievably pleased if we could just send it to DVD on the first weekend.  That would make me pleased as punch.  And it would make me right that the movie is terrible, which would make me even happier.  So help me with this. Boycott this movie.  Because if you don't you will be sorry.  Because that's an hour and a half that you will never get back.

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