Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Sonic...America's Death Sentence

     Well thank God.  I am glad that people are starting to come around.  I have always had an, oh shall we say adversarial relationship with Sonic Drive-In.  In fact, I have aired my disgust with them twice.  And now, finally, other people around the world are beginning to agree with me.  Recently, the winner of the Chevrolet presents the First Annual Big Dave and Company Blog of the Year Award brought to you by Mountain Dew Fake Interviews with Real Celebrities written by Wendy Molyneux, took issue with Sonic as well.  Her beef is that Sonic is trying to kill you.  And they are.  First of all they encourage you to eat in your car.  And everyone knows that your odds of getting into an accident while doing something along with driving go up considerably.  So they want you to be cruising around town wolfing down a Fritos Chili Cheese Wrap while listening to your Tears for Fears cassette and accidentally spill chili down on your crotch and it burns you and so you run down Ronald Johansson of Scarborough, ME.  Yeah, he was in town on vacation and you looked down to pick up the chili laden Frito that nestled between your thunder thighs and now he's dead.  Lying in the road with a Kia symbol in his forehead.  How do you feel about that?  I don't like it at all.  Ronald is dead and it's all part of Sonic's evil plan.
    So what about your thunder thighs?  Yeah, Sonic is the cause of those too.  Don't let them fool you.  There isn't one thing on the menu that is good for you.  Even the supposedly healthy Grilled Chicken Sandwich probably comes topped with discarded razor blades.  Or at least some of those trans fats that they aren't allowed to use in New York City anymore.  Because they've got to go somewhere.  Like right to your hips fatty.  You go to the Sonic, and all you want is a slushy.  And I don't even know why you'd want one.  My buddy Ben got one from an Sonic in an undisclosed location in southern Illinois and it was so terrible that he took two sips and threw it out the window on the freeway.  And my other buddy Andy backs him up on it.  So you go there to get your awful slushy, and you start to feel the rumblings and grumblings in your stomach.  So you think that a Bacon Cheeseburger Toaster Sandwich sounds really good.  But here's the deal: Just because it's on Texas Toast instead of a bun does not make it any healthier.  Sorry.  It is still going to cause you to have a heart attack next Thursday.  So you order that and you think "I can't have a sandwich without some fries."  But the onion rings aren't much more and they look REALLY GOOD on the menu, so you get those instead. So now, the healthiest thing on your tray is the slushy and you aren't even going to drink any of that because it tastes like crap.  So good job.  You might as well have just fried up some Crisco.
    And that is how Wendy contends that Sonic is trying to end your life.  Her issue is with the new Fried Ice Cream Blast, which is described as "a creamy, crunchy blend of vanilla soft serve, caramel, cinnamon crisps and whipped topping."  Sounds like a recipe for death if you ask me.  In the commercials they apparently feature people saying that it's so good they want another.  And if you get another that starts a cycle that will never be able to be broken.  Like an infinite loop in the computer programs I used to write.  Or like a hamster in a really evil habitrail.  You will just keep eating Fried Ice Cream Blast after Fried Ice Cream Blast until there is nothing but slightly melted soft serve in your veins and you die of hypothermia from the inside.  
     Wendy is on to you Sonic.  And I am on to you too.  So settle down and put some asparagus on your menu.  Or maybe a nice fruit tray.  Or some granola.  Definitely nothing tasty.  Because the less Sonic we eat as a nation the better off we are.  And that's a fact.  Thank you Wendy Molyneux for watching out for the greater public good and helping me expose this evil empire for what it is.  Don't eat at a Sonic.  stay out of your car and away from their siren song of fried goodness.  Because it's not good.  And you will die.  That's the bottom line.

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