Saturday, August 23, 2008

Sasquatch and the North Georgia All-Stars: Update!

      I was eating breakfast the other day.  That, in and of itself, is not remarkable.  I do that on a semi-regular basis.  What is important is the article that I saw when I opened up my copy of the paper.  The headline screamed out "Big(foot) hoax: Summer discovery of a man-ape's 'remains' was actually a gorilla suit."  Well no shit!  I am pretty sure that I already told you that the other day.  
     Yeah, the supposed Bigfoot find that I said was totally a lie turned out to be a total lie.  I hate to say I told you so but I told you so.  And you didn't listen you ungrateful punk.  I am sorry.  That was uncalled for.  I don't really think that you are an ungrateful punk.  What I think is that you should listen to me more often.  Because I totally called that the two good-old boys from North Georgia and the Las Vegas sleazy promoter were just trying to pull the wool over the eyes of the world.  And what do you know, they came up with a fourth story that they never told us before.
     Matt Whitton, Rick Dyer, and Steve Biscardi came out, and along with another Sasquatch researcher Steve Kulls told of how two unidentified men handed over to them the specimen, for an undisclosed sum, claiming that they had found the corpse.  And conveniently, it was frozen in a block of ice.  Wow.
     So what do we do boys?  How do we go about this?  How do we prove that this is legit?  Well, let's take a hair sample.  Brilliant!  But, getting a DNA test done on the hair sample would be expensive  and possibly embarrassing if nothing comes of it.  So those are best left to college-type professors and crews from The Discovery Channel.  Did I mention that it's expensive?  So our boys take the hair sample that they cut off the "corpse" and they decide to burn it.  I am not sure how that is going to prove anything.  But it's a mute point because the hair didn't burn.  No, it melted.
     I don't have a lot of hair.  Well, not on my head at least.  So I don't really remember a whole lot about it, but I do know one thing.  Hair doesn't melt.  Not under realistic conditions.  Hair burns.  Ever sit too close to a campfire when someone throws like eleventy billion pieces of wood on it?  Yeah, that is hair that you smell burning then.  That sort of acrid smell that everyone can identify.  You are smelling it right now.  And if you think about it you will be able to see that hair doesn't melt.  It burns.  And thank God that out boys figured that out eventually.  I think that Stevie was the one that figured it out, he seems to be something resembling normal.
     But our boys were not raised quitters.  They continued to thaw the corpse. And about an hour later the feet began to show.  It was then that they realized that maybe they had their hands on a fake.  Wow.  I am almost speechless.  So what's wrong, the melting hair didn't do that for you?  It took plastic feet to get that through to you?  That's messed up.  I am pretty sure that these two shouldn't be allowed on the streets of the Atlanta Metro area, because they are a danger to themselves and to others.  And to Sasquatch, since they obviously have no idea what he is all about.  
     Here is the kicker.  Here is the best part.  Here is the rubber foot hanging out the edge of a giant ice cube: Whitton is a police officer on leave from the Clayton (Ga) County Police Department.  Well, now Whitton's chief is filing the paperwork to get Whitton fired.  Yep, fired for lying about Sasquatch on his medical time.  Well, actually, the termination proceedings are in motion because "Once he perpetrated a fraud, that goes into his credibility and integrity," explained Whitton's police chief Jeff Turner.  "He has violated the duty of a police officer."  Wow that's rough.  Well it's a good thing then that Whitton and Dyer's Bigfoot Tip Line has added "big cats and dinosaurs" to its repertoire.  They are going to need that extra income once Whitton is bended over and pounded in his behind by the Clayton County Police Department until he has no job.  If they can't find any of those other legendary beasts that they search, maybe they can try crawling back under the rock that they came from.  Then they'd be home.  And they would till be ably to hustle local re-re's.  And that's what life is all about, isn't it?

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