Monday, August 18, 2008

Sasquatch and the North Georgia All-Stars

     So...a couple of idiots in Georgia have claimed that they have found the body of Bigfoot in the Georgia hills.  And no, I don't mean the country Georgia that has been in the news so much lately, I mean the US state.  You know, where Michael Vick let the dogs out.  Where the Dukes of Hazzard lived.  Where you have to drive through on your way to Florida, unless you are coming in from the west and have to drive through Alabama instead.   That Georgia.  
     Matt Whitton and Rick Dyer plan to announce the details of their alleged Bigfoot discovery at a news conference in Palo Alto, CA, but it really doesn't look good.  There are an awful lot of cards stacked against them in this one.  First of all, they claim to have the 7'7" tall corpse, which they say weighs 550 lbs and had 16" long feet crammed in a chest freezer.  Real professional guys.  Let's cram it into the freezer in Ricky's basement and see what happens.  I know you want to preserve the body, but at least find a friendly morgue.  No, let's cram it into the freezer.  Great idea.  I know you have to keep the body from decomposing while the DNA tests are run, but come on.  Stuffing it in the freezer just screams amateur scam artist.  Actually, it screams 'We are from Georgia!"
    Second, Dumb and Dumber have teamed up with a man named Tom Biscardi, a Las Vegas promoter who is considered a scam artist by other Bigfoot hunters.  So wait, let me get this straight, the looney birds don't even trust or like this guy?  That is not exactly a ringing endorsement.  Actually, Biscardi lends a sort of sleazy carnival freak-show vibe to this whole thing.  I can see him dressed like a carnival barker, luring unsuspecting Midwestern families into his dingy tent just off the midway and peeling back the curtain to show the poorly embalmed head of a gorilla in a dimly lit bell jar.  Yeah, it just smells of that type of business.  And the more of this article you read the worse it gets.
     Our boy Whitton, although he works for a local Georgia police department, has an alias.  I know, sometimes I go by the alias Douchely McNutspank III, but there is no way in the world that is for real and I have never even written it down before now, let alone had it officially subscribed to me in any way, shape, or form.  But somewhere, someone knows Matt Whitton as Gary Parker, which just screams lack of credibility.  If you are on the up and up, you really shouldn't need an alias.  But then again, you shouldn't be hanging around with a Las Vegas promoter who is desperate for media attention either.  So what do I know.
    Another reason why this really seems like a scam is that Matty-boy and Ricky have managed to roll out three vastly different stories of how they found this corpse.  Now that is just not trying guys.  If you are going to try to pull the wool over our eyes at least come out with one story and get it straight with one another.  Don't come up with three stories, only one of which is believable.  Take a look at these beauties:
     Story One:  A former felon shot the Sasquatch and the duo followed it into the woods.  First of all, why are you hanging around with a former felon?  That doesn't do much for your credibility.  Second, felons aren't allowed to own or use guns, and they are certainly not allowed to hunt.  Third, why would this "former felon" just allow you to follow the animal he shot into the woods and take it.  Wouldn't you think he'd want at least a piece of the credit?  Oh yeah, that's right.  He's not supposed to have a gun, so he'd be in trouble.  How convenient.  Oh, and Dyer is a former corrections officer.  So I am sure he'd be hanging around an armed former felon.  Seriously guys, do you think that I am retarded?
     Story Two:  Whitton and Dye find a family of Bigfoots (Bigfeet?) in the North Georgia mountains.  Okay, this is ridiculous on so many levels.  First of all, if you are as serious as you claim to be, you think that you would have handled this differently.  First of all, you would have had a video camera, or at least a regular camera, with you and you would have some awesome pictures of this Bigfoot family.  Second of all, you would think that you would be making every effort to live trap a member of this family instead of stuffing a dead specimen in a Frigidaire.  I mean, that is what serious specimen hunters would do.  Wow.  Why even bother telling the world this one.
     Story Three:  Our boys found a corpse with open wounds while hiking in the woods.  Now this one I can believe.  Most things are just sort of stumbled upon while bumbling around.  Bodies are found by boaters all the time that dive teams can't find.  You always find your car keys one you have stopped looking for them.  So I could see them wandering around the woods and stumbling upon something.  But I could also see them making the whole thing up.  And I believe that one much more.
     So how else is these guys' credibility eroding.  Well, as of Friday when I tried it, and when the Associated Press writer writing this article tried it, Matt and Rick's website at wouldn't work.  Well isn't that convenient?  You post this discovery, complete with photos on your website, and then when the heat turns up suddenly those pictures and claims are unavailable.  Now, I can hear you defending these guys, Company.  "Maybe they just had a ton of traffic all the sudden and things came crashing down.  It happens in the computer world."  Okay, I will give you that.  And it may just be coincidence.  But giving these boys' track record, I think we can be skeptical.  In fact I think we should.
     I am not surprised that the photos are suddenly unavailable because some experts are beginning to shed doubt on them already.  Jeffery Meldrum, a Bigfoot researcher and Idaho State University professor claimed that "...the pictures cast serious doubt on their claim.  It just looks like a costume with some fake eyes thrown on top for effect."  Wow.  That's rough.  So is that the deal?  Let's take a fake Bigfoot costume and throw it in a freezer and call it good.  That's not even trying.  You think Biscardi would have ponied up a little bit of cash to make this thing look legitimate.  But I guess not.  
    So I suppose we will see in coming weeks what this amounts to.  I suppose that with some video and photos and maybe a good DNA test result this could be or real, but I seriously doubt it.  Because, quite frankly, the evidence seems to stack up pretty strongly against these guys.  So whatever they are selling I am certainly not buying.  If you do believe this, well, then you are a moron.  And I have the Loch Ness Monster in my bathtub if you want to see it.

No comments: