Okay Company, you and I both know that there is no way that this will end well. First of all, I know lots of teachers. Lots of them. The university in my town pumps out two things: nurses and teachers. So that is what I am surrounded by. Most of my friends that don't work with me are teachers. And I can tell you that for the most part, they like their kids. And they like what they do. But there is always that one kid...
Yeah, it's true. What the teacher wants to do to the kid depends on the discipline. Shop teachers want to put their faces into a belt sander. The soccer coach wants to tie them up in the nets and let exposure do the work. The driver's ed instructor wants to park the van on the railroad tracks and child lock the doors. The Spanish teacher wants to make them drink the water in Mexico. My buddy is a math teacher and he pretty much just wants to pound their heads into oblivion on the desks.
And these are good, pious, Midwestern teacher types, so they are pretty reserved until the doors are closed, and look at what they want to do to the kids. So imagine what a teacher in rural, north-central Texas would do. Either a new teacher, overcome by stress, who finally meets the straw that breaks the camel's back. Maybe a teacher who has been at it for 27 years and just can't take it anymore. Maybe a teacher from the Colorado Rockies, who is driven over the edge by the flat, lifeless, Texas plains, stretching devoid of trees as far as the laws of physics will allow the world to see. There are a lot of things in a tiny Texas town to make one go over the edge. And you are going to give these people guns?
"But some of the kids have guns Big Dave." Well, of course they do. They all do. It's Texas. You actually aren't allowed to leave the house without at least a Saturday night special in your sock. Every vehicle, from the Ford F-150 that the quarterback drives to the El Camino that the president of the French club drives to your girlfriend's Toyota Corolla is equipped with a gun rack. That's just how it is. But you know what? The teachers have guns too. They are under the seat of their Buick out in the parking lot. So I don't really see where it's a big issue.
Secondly, why even bother? This is T-E-X-A-S. Everything is bigger in Texas. The sky. The nachos. Hell, the Alamo can be seen from the moon, if the sun is catching it at the right angle. And look at how big that access hatch in the roof of Texas Stadium is. So you can imagine what kinds of guns they are carrying around there. And you are going to give the teachers a pistol? In Texas, getting shot with a pistol isn't even an event. It's like getting hit with a pebble thrown by an autistic child. So when Johnny Trenchcoat comes in wielding his shotgun that shoots bird shot out of one barrel and a rocket-propelled nuclear hand grenade out of the other one, what is the teacher going to do, make them laugh to death with their 9mm? Let's think about this. If you want to give the teachers a way to protect themselves and their students maybe you should give them an aircraft carrier.
So now what have we accomplished David Thweatt, Superintendent of the Harrold Independent School District? Well, first of all there is going to be a shootout next Tuesday outside Room 203 after sixth period. I am not scheduling one or anything, but it wouldn't surprise me a whole lot. And it would be awful. Although seeing as how it's Texas, it would probably be like a scene from Walker: Texas Ranger that would devolve into some sort of martial arts fight that doesn't follow the laws of physics and in which the bad guys seem to have their feet in cement boots. But even that isn't much prettier than a gunfight in a public school. Second, you have just given the rest of the world another reason to look at Texas with an arched eyebrow and skeptical look on your face that says "Are you serious? I mean, is that really for real?" I mean, Texas is a lovely state but it has its share of ridiculousness. And now you are going to put guns in the public schools? I mean, nowhere but Texas would have a law that allows that to happen. I think that if you look at the civil code for the State of Maine, you won't find some sort of "Hey, I don't see why you can't bring your .306 to school and pop a cap in the ass of whoever fails the test" law. I am serious. Just think about it.
So anyway, good luck with your gun plan Harrold, TX. I really hope that it goes well and that some crazy trucker wanders in off of US 287 and tries to hijack Mr. Loriss' Advanced Chemistry class during third period. Then teachers can come running from classroom after classroom and popping a cap in everyone's ass. I am sure no students will get in the way. Maybe Philadelphia will follow suit. Wouldn't that be grand?