Tuesday, August 26, 2008

None of That is True

     Okay Company, let me give you the lowdown on this Big Dave and Company: Investigative Report thing about the government using the BVM statures to spy on you.  I am pretty sure that it is not true.  First of all, Tico Rodriguez is not a reporter.  At least I don't think he is.  I think he is a used car salesman from Tempe, AZ.  I met him at an airport bar last week while I was piss drunk and he convinced me that he knew about a huge, breaking story that would make Big Dave and Company famous.  So I signed something that he had written in Spanish or Portuguese, I am not sure which, on a bar napkin that also happened to be stained with sweet vermouth and lemon juice.  But apparently that counts as a binding contract according to the Fifth Circuit US Court of Appeals in New Orleans.  Anyway, when I saw this business, I knew that I would have to do some research of my own on this not really a hot button issue.  Here is what I found:
    First of all, I don't believe that there is any sort of camera apparatus in any BVM statue anywhere.  There are two of them outside of my house as many of you know, and I check under, around, and inside each of them and found nothing but cobwebs and some dirt.  I even went around tow n and didn't find any there either.  I sent some of my unpaid interns on no-expense paid trips across the country, to places like Denver, CO; New Lexington, PA; Lamesa, TX; Washington D.C; and Hopkins Hollow, RI.  And in none of those places did any of them find a statue of the BVM with any sort of surveillance equipment contained within.  They did, however, find an old dog toy, you know, one of those fake news papers like the Daily Growl that squeaks when you squeeze it, they found one of those inside of a BVM in Bremerton, OR.  But other than that they were clean.  So I am pretty sure that unless we just happened to hit the dozen or so BVMs that the feds missed, Tico Rodriguez should probably lay off the peyote for a while.
     Secondly, Roland A. Smith is the Secretary to the Board of the Farm Credit Administration, but he never worked for the CIA.  He began his career working for rural farm lenders in the Carolinas.  There is no evidence whatsoever that he has ever set up any sort of surveillance equipment anywhere, let alone in a six foot tall statue of the BVM in a cemetery in Naples, FL.  He also never said that quote and has never heard of Tico Rodriguez.  So our apologies to Mr. Smith.
     Third, although much of PepsiCo's success in the 1980s can be attributed to advanced marketing and clever advertising, they probably didn't use the BVM network for market research, mostly because it doesn't exist.  But they did use the Jackson Brothers and that is equally inexcusable.  Wayne Calloway, you should really still be ashamed of that at least.
     The Clinton thing might be true; it wouldn't surprise me a whole lot.  I have an unpaid intern looking into it.  Don't worry, I didn't send the hot young chick.  She's washing my car.  I sent the 37-year old computer science major who still wears a pocket protector so he's safe.
     So I mist apologize for all this.  That is the last time that I ever sign anything on any kind of paper, napkin, cardboard box, denim, glass, lampshade, or any surface that was written by a guy whose name sounds like a Mexican liquor.  "Oh man, I so drunk on Tico Rodriguez last night, it was nuts."  "I'll have Tico Rodriguez and soda on the rocks please."  Oh man.  So anyway, that is going to be the last of the Big Dave and Company Investigative Reports as far as I am concerned.  I apologize to anyone who may have been mentioned in error, such as Pres. Bill Clinton, Mrs Smith and Calloway, Ambassador George Moose, or PepsiCo.  Tico Rodriguez, you might be a smooth talker and make a tasty taco dip, but you are still on my shit list. 

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