Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Nobody Cares About Your NCAA Football '09 Recruit

     Well Company, the boys are up this week from Wisconsin, and I have to admit what we are having great times.  But right now we are sitting here and they are playing NCAA College Football '09 while I mess around on the Internet.  Now, Andy and Bucko and Ben create teams and players and do seasons and dynasties and all that, and that's is fine.  That's how the game is designed and that what it is used for.  The good people at EA Sports build those features into the game because they allow it to be more realistic, more involved, and more enjoyable.  But it was a story that Bucko was telling us that really made me double take.      Apparently there is a message board out there where the people who play NCAA College Football '09 get together and talk shit and BRAG ABOUT THEIR FAKE VIDEO GAME RECRUITS!  Yeah, you heard me.  In the game you can recruit all these fake high school players, and these losers were getting together in cyberspace and talking shit with each other.  "Uh...I've got a 6'6" wide receiver with 93 speed and 91 hands who threw down a dunk in a high school basketball game."  Ummm...who cares.  "I've played 4 seasons in the last week and my tight end is probably the best All-American tight end in the history of this game."  Fantastic!  When was the last time you saw a girl's boob?  And I mean for real, on video doesn't count.  "I took Central Indiana College for the Designer Arts all the way to the Sugar Bowl with only one year of my own recruits.  Next year I should be REALLY good because I have 15 blue chip recruits and 9 of them are from Texas!"  You're a fool.  What are you going to do when the Chinese place down the street stops delivering and you are actually going to have to leave the house?
     If you spend 4 hours a day sitting in your mom's basement eating Cheetos, drinking Snake Eyes, and playing NCAA Football '09, that's fine.  If you spend 4 hours a day on message boards talking about real shit that happens, like the war in Iraq or the Canadian Football League, or Questions to the Prime Minister in the British House of Commons, that is fine.  But if you spend 4 hours on a message board talking about the 4 hours of video games you just played, that is psychotic behavior.  Because I did the math...and with 4 hours of video games, 4 hours of message boards, I assume 4 hours of sitting around in your tighty whiteys watching SportsCenter, plus the 10 hours of sleeping you probably have to do every night because you haven't seen the sun since September of 2004, that only leaves about 2 hours a day for your job at the 7-Eleven.  So how do you get enough money for all of those video games, Internet connections, and weed laced with oregano?  I am very confused.  I guess that you don't have to pay any rent or food money because you live in your parents' basement.  And you don't have to spend any money on a girlfriend.  And I guess that moped insurance isn't all that expensive...so I suppose I could see how that would work.  
     "Uhhh...my quarterback is only a freshman and he's fifth in the Heisman voting already!  He's going to be really amazing by the time he's a senior!"  Um, by the time he's a senior it's not going to matter because I will have come to your place, ripped the plug of your TV out of the wall and thrown your infrared controller at your pasty white acne-laden face because you are a complete and utter retard.  Actually, I just read an article about you in the newspaper the other day.  You can read it by clicking here.  Maybe living in your parents' basement until you are 32 and breathing all those black mold spores for all those years has affected your brain and made you a socially acceptable pule of useless mush that hasn't showered in a week because The Best Damn Sports Show has the guy who designed the field goal kicking interface for Madden '08 on and you can't remember which day and God forbid you miss that.  I don't know.  But something needs to be done about you.  Like a nice stay in a government-sponsored mental health camp in the woods of the Minnesota's Arrowhead.  Or maybe some time in a Soviet gulag.  Or a Turkish prison.  Because then maybe someone who is doing some research on eradicating cancer, or maybe an underprivileged child in inner-city Mobile, AL can get a little farther along in life.  But no, you are too busy posting a message about how the kicker you are recruiting has hit 54 straight field goals of 42 yards or less.  If you actually left your house once in a while you would know that no high school football team in the real world kicks that many field goals in a decade, let alone the four seasons that your FAKE PERSON was in their FAKE SCHOOL.  Son of a bitch are you a drain on society.  Seriously, I am trying to debate whether or not your life is worth the carbon and oxygen that it takes for you to stay alive.  I've spent a half hour venting about you on the Internet and that's a half hour of my life that I will never get back, so now I am even more pissed off.  So I am done with you.  But here is the deal, pick one.  Play fake video games.  Or message board about real things.  But don't message board about fake things.  You might as well just go play Magic then.

No comments: