Sunday, August 31, 2008

The New Campus

Welcome to the Worldwide Headquarters of Big Dave and Company. I am Big Dave, and I will be your tour guide here today on this exclusive tour of our 1,037 acre campus. Inside, you will see some of the most modern technology, architecture, and human resources technologies at work. You will also find some of the most innovative ideas and situations in the American blog scene. So please, don't be afraid at ask questions and we hope that you enjoy the tour!
Entering the building, you will find our foyer and reception area. This is where you will be greeted by our friendly and sexually promiscuous receptionist, who is unable to type, transfer a phone call, make coffee, take a message of any sort, or make entries into a day planner. She is also unable to answer any of your questions or help you in any way. She is, however, able to push the big red button on her desk that will summon an unpaid intern who will then be happy to help you in any way, shape, or form that he/she can.

As we pass the receptionist (business cards and bathroom stalls with her phone number will be available later in the tour) you will undoubtedly notice the Chris Masterson Jr. Memorial Water Slide. The water slide is named after a former Big Dave and Company copy editor who lost his freedom in a tragic water slide accident in which a 6-year old lost his pants. Chris is eligible for parole in 6-12 years, depending on his behavior. Each employee is entitled to use the water slide one time per day, with all-day usage of the facility for themselves and up to 16 guests on their birthday. Both of these generous offers are rarely take up, however, due to the campus' crippling lack of appropriate changing rooms, laundry facilities, or a swimming pool.
Please exercise extra caution as we make our way down this ultra-modern hallway, decorated by the most forward-thinking and trendy European designers of the Bulgarian minimalist design school. The hallways are one-of-a-kind, as they also function to provide top management officials and writers with access to their private, underground, valet parking garage and is therefore often choked with rush hour traffic and heavy truck traffic.
Through the door to the left you will see several of our unpaid interns hard at work using our copy machine. The machine was bought second-handed in an effort to cut down on construction costs. Although it is an older model, many of the unpaid interns have actually survived making copies with all limbs intact, and the machine itself has won many awards from agencies such as Greenpeace International and the Montana Energy Conservation Board for being both the least energy-efficient copy machine in the world, as well as having the largest number of moving parts. The machine can make over four copies a minute and is run by a 239-hp turbo diesel engine.
The new Big Dave and Company campus is of course smoke-free. But that doesn't mean that we have forgotten the needs of our colleagues who smoke. As we step out into the courtyard you can see the separate, heated and air conditioned building that we provide for the enjoyment of our smokers. The facility features the same amenities as any other break room for our employees to enjoy, provided they can find their way through the hedge maze before the end of their allotted break period. So far the smoking break room remains unused, although recently Jill from Accounting made it to within 15 feet of the door. Two employees, a monkey, and six unpaid interns have so far been lost in the quest.
I'm sorry, someone has a question? Yeah, you sir, in the back. What is that? That is state-of-the-art housing for our unpaid interns. We here at Big Dave and Company understand how difficult it can be to make ends meet when working on ones internship, so we provide all of our unpaid interns, who come from schools from all around the world, four-season luxury accommodations while working with us. We also provide them with with meals in our commissary which we will enter now right through this door.
This is the Big Dave and Company commissary, where employees and interns can get everything that they need to make it through the day at work, whether it be a hot meal or a could shoulder. The unpaid interns also take their meals here on a daily basis, with the food prepared by the top microwave chefs in the world. And by the best we mean the ones who just graduated from the least mediocre local community college.
Here are Mr. and Mrs. Henry St. Partick. The St. Patrick's don't actually work here or have any business here. As best as we can figure out they are the elderly couple who lived in the farmhouse that we raised in order to build our campus. Or at least we thought we had raised. Popular theory is now that the house actually still stands, either somewhere in the hedge maze or maybe in the southwest wing neat the HVAC units. Company architects are still not sure. Either way, the St. Patrick's continue to roam the halls in a futile effort to find their way to freedom or a nearby bingo hall. Please do not speak to or feed the St. Patrick's, for it will impare their ability to survive in the wild on their own.
Moving on past the St. Patrick's, I see that we have come to the Big Dave and Company Worldwide Headquarters Gift Shop. Unfortunately, at this time it is only stocked with this single jar of apricot jam. Look for a more varied inventory to come soon.
Well, that concludes the tour of our Big Dave and Company Worldwide Headquarters. I see that your ride is here and waiting for you. I hope that you have enjoyed your look insides the working of Big Dave and Company and that you will continue to be loyal and active readers. Thank you for your time and have a wonderful day.

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