Thursday, August 07, 2008

Members Only


     Okay Company, I have a question for you all.  What the hell is the deal with the Members Only jacket?  I mean, seriously.  The Members Only jacket used to be the ultimate of cool for like 17 minutes during the early 80s.  I am serious.  They were the ultimate in cool.  You were nothing but nothing if you weren't wearing a Members Only jacket down to the late showing of Halloween III: Season of the Witch.  But now it's a pile of crap.  It's the laughing stock of the clothing world.  Hell, it's the laughing stock of the whole world.  It's like the Michael Jackson of the world.  What's with that?
     Seriously, have you noticed this trend?  In every movie where there is a backwater, edge of society loser he is always wearing a Members Only jacket.  It's like, if there is a character that they want to show as washed up, they put them in a Winger t-shirt and a Members Only jacket.  Like that awful father who slicks his hair back and returns after 10 years only when the son starts to get famous?  Yeah, he's wearing a Members Only jacket.  Sometimes grey, often an awful reddish-brown pleather type material.  No matter what it's ugly.  And I don't want to have to look at it.
     Even their advertising was and continues to be the subject of ridicule.  Apparently, their tag line was "When you put it on, something happens."  Are you kidding me?  What Madison Avenue re-tread came up with that one?  Of course something happens.  You get warmer.  You get mocked.  You cruise around in your Delorean.  Lots happens.  Much like the jackets themselves, their tagline was subject to ridicule as time wore on.  You can only imagine what happened once a couple of condom companies got a hold of it in the 90s.  Yeah, take a minute to get your breath back from laughing so hard.  Haha, I said hard.
     They say that fashion trends come back around.  Sure, but not all of them do.  I don't think that bloomers are going to ever come back again.  Nobody in their right mind is going to run around dressing like a flapper unless it's Halloween or something.  And nobody in their right mind is going to run around wearing a Members Only jacket either unless they are old and have been wearing it continuously since they were cool back in 1983.  Bell bottoms and knee-highs and leggings might come back but the Members Only jacket NEVER WILL BE COOL AGAIN.  I am sorry, but that is just how it has to be.
     So here is my proposal.  We need a legion of people, sort of like a lynch mob, or a riot even, to go store to store and make sure that there are none of these Members Only jackets still out there for sale.  I am thinking that we should probably concentrate on stores like Goodwill or The Salvation Army, anything with the word 'consignment' or 'thrift' in the name, because that is where most of these jackets tend to congregate.  Then once those places are cleared out of the super lame Members Only jackets, we will have to go through all those local, independent department stores like Getz's in Marquette, MI or Young's in Charleston, WV, because most places like that probably have a box or two of these monstrosities lying in their basements.  And we don't want to leave anything to chance.  So watch out.  If you are at the store, and six people rappel into the store wearing black jumpsuits and break through the picture windows while I walk in the front door in a finely tailored black suit while a black, windowless cargo van screeches to a halt out in the parking lot, don't worry.  You are not in trouble.  You are not in danger.  It's just me and my posse rolling in to rid the place of any trace of Members Only jackets.  No harm will come to you.  Unless you happen to be wearing one.

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