Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Gorbachov: The Music Video

     There are some pretty awful videos out there.  Basically just type anything into the search bar on YouTube.  Or spend an hour watching MTV if you can stand it.  Because your brain might melt.  And much of that is because there are so many awful videos.  The days of videos like "Take On Me" by A-ha or Chris Isaak's "Wicked Game" are long gone.  We have all those terrible rap videos with cars driving around and sometimes attractive girls shaking parts galore.  But they are terrible.  But sometimes, especially these days, you come across a video that takes awfulness to a new level.  You come across this video:

     I am sorry that you had to live through that.  I've had to live through that several times, and actually it caused me to spend several weeks in intensive care.  They actually took me to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN to study the effects of this awful video on the human body and brain.  That's how bad it is.  Hardcore sent it to me one day out of the blue, and I couldn't be more upset about it.  I mean, seriously Hardcore.  Why would you do that to your friend?  To put them through that.  Well, since we have lived through it a couple of times we might as well look at it and analyze it together.
     First of all, let's talk about the one good thing in this video.  I don't know where they found these girls, but fantastic!  The young ladies in this particular piece of true awfulness are absolutely gorgeous.  They grow them right in Russia, believe me.  And the dresses that they put them in are perfect.  That is the one thing that music videos today still do right.  That being said...
     Okay, I have never been to Russia, but I bet that they have a wheat field, a foundry, and a decrepit palace all within 3 km of one another.  So get in the Lada and go out there and shoot some actual video.  I know that if you CGI the shit out of everything it makes it look darker, more stark, and more ominous but you know what?  It also makes it look more cartoonish and ridiculous.  Maybe that's what you are going for, I don't know.  But the question is...why the hell would you go for that?
     Okay, if you are a band that is basically in love with Mikael Gorbachov (which is how the Russians spell it by the way) I could understand why you'd have the dead Red Army and Navy attacking your hot women.  But what's with all the police tape?  Yeah, I am talking about all that police tape with Cyrillic writing all around every time they show the band?  What purpose does that serve?  What does it even say?  And what police department donated that to your project?  What about the red police tape?  Is that biohazard?  Are you a biohazard?  I am very confused and I can read most Russian.  I really think that you should have removed the police tape potion of your video budget and used that money to hire another smokin' hot Russian babe.
     Okay, so then it appears that Braveheart shows up in your video.  Okay, maybe not Braveheart but I am pretty sure you got this guy out of one of those awful shows that go right into syndication and that you only see on WGN or your local CW station at 4 am on a Tuesday.  Yeah.  And this guy is supposed to be Mikael Gorbachov.  First of all, I've seen real pictures of Gorbachov, and he is not that built.  He could have sucked down as many protein shakes as he wanted to and still not turned out that ripped.  And he really wasn't that mean.  I will give the video a little credit though.  At least they got to spot on his head.  Because in Western eyes, Gorbachov is not Gorbachov without the big spot.  So kudos on that one ANJ.
      At the end, they apparently end up going to one of the race tracks from MarioKart 64, you know, the one where it's a tropical island and you race around the beach on the sand?  Yeah, that one.  Because the sky is super blue and it is raining Coca Cola and Twinkies and there are weird palm-like trees everywhere.  In fact, I think I saw Koopa Troopa cruise by in the background.  All the girls rip off their already revealing Russian peasant clothes and are apparently dressed like the girl on the CD cover of Goin' South.  And apparently they all proceed to engage in blatant sexual innuendo at every turn.
     WELL NO SHIT!  Of course they love Gorbachov.  He brought them Twinkies and Coke and turned their women into hot, free sluts.  Seriously.  If I lived in a country full of hot women who had to do chores and eat beet soup all the time, and a guy came through and turned them into scantily clad vixens who do nothing but fellate popsicles all the time I would revere him too.  Plus, did you see the way he was chugging that vodka in the video?  That's impressive.  So I guess that I've figured out why they love him so much and I don't blame them.
     That doesn't excuse the awfulness of the video.  The guy who made it is real happy with it and thinks that it is "over the top."  And boy is it ever.  It's certainly nothing that I can figure out.  And best of all, it's nothing that I would care to watch.

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