Wednesday, August 13, 2008

The End of the Red Rocket Gifts

     It is a terrible day today Company.  I was going to write you a nice post about my time with The Boys but that will have to wait until tomorrow I guess.  Yesterday I received shocking and terrible news.  Disheartening and embittering news.  Many of you enjoyed reading about how my friends and I exchanged what we call "Red Rocket Gifts."  We buy these gifts for each other from a store called the Mexican mart that is part of the Red Rocket gas station in Little Suamico, WI.
     Well, The Pharaoh and I were driving past there yesterday and we decided to stop, half for smokes and drinks, and half out of habit.  So as we are walking in towards the actual gas station area and we looked towards the Mexican Mart and we see the most glorious sign: "All Pots and Statues $5.00"  OH MY GOD!  We thought that this was an amazing development, The Pharaoh and I did.  We decided that this would be the optimal time to buy Little Jeffy a new Native American statue to replace the one that his little dick of a dog broke.  So we stroll on over to towards the Mexican Mart and The Pharaoh says "This place looks awfully empty."  And it was.  All the pots around the outside were gone.  Most of the statues in the inside were gone.  It was happening right before our eyes...

     The Mexican Mart is going out of business.

     Please try not to get upset.  The Pharaoh bought a weird pastel Native American for his friend, and I bought Little Jeffy a Black Jesus to replace his broken three-foot tall plaster Native American that his dog broke in a vain and feeble attempt to prove to the lady at the store that the Mexican Mart was profitable and should remain open.  I don't think she cared though.  We probably could have talked her down from $5 to $2 if we really had wanted to.  We probably could have just walked off with the statues if we had put our minds to it.  Because we all knew the truth.  It wasn't profitable.  I am pretty sure my friends and I kept it afloat single handedly for the last four years or so.  The lady at the counter informed us that The Red Rocket hired a new PR guy and that he wanted it closed.  I don't think that she understood the severity of that decision.
    There, there.  Please try not to cry Company.  This is a sad day, I know.  The counter lady will never understand.  But I am glad you do.  I feel that it's fitting that the last Red Rocket Gift ever given went to Little Jeffy, who received the first one, and that it was a Black Jesus statue.  Well, it's really not Black Jesus, if anything it's a black apostle, perhaps a priest or other holy man of some sort, but Black Jesus just rolls off the tongue much better than Black Apostle does.  So Black Jesus he is.  And he will ably replace the Native American.  But I digress.  The Pharaoh took some pictures of the Mexican Mart in its death throes; they are pretty sad.  We will try to get them up for you soon.  But until then I think that we should have a moment of silence for our soon to be fallen friend.




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R.I.P.  Mexican Mart.  Thank you for all you have given us over the years.

2 comments:

Nelbo said...

Here's to the most elite club I've ever been honored to be a part of!!!

KingBobb said...

Eulogy:

It ends as it began. With a moment of awkward silence. Followed by a frantic thought, "How the hell am I going to incorporate this into my decor?" With style, my friend, with style. For all the embarrassed few who have received Red Rocket gifts in the past, you are among the favored few. To all those that really wanted to belong to such an organization, you're gonna have to live with the knowledge that you still have the ability walk down the street with your heads held high. To all those who have no idea of the meaning of this blog/post, you'll never know/care about the exquisite agony of having a poorly cast clay statuette given to you by a smirking bunch of wackos. We're all dismayed by this loss. Hopefully, with massive amounts of consumed alcohol, this will one day pass into an obscure story that no one will be able to relate to. *curtain closes, rendition of Amazing Grace being played on kazoos begins*