Thursday, August 21, 2008

A Double Edged Razor Blade

     Boys hate shaving.  Isn't that right boys?  I am sure you girls hate shaving too when you have to (this rhetorical question doesn't apply to women in certain European countries).  I recently returned to work and society from an 11-day vacation and one of the things that I relished in was that I didn't have to pull out my razor for roughly 9 days.  It was great.  Yet, by my last day of vacation I was looking forward to scraping my face with a super sharp piece of metal.  Why?  Because I had the beginnings of a pretty impressive beard going, and quite frankly, it was prickly and itchy.  So, if I hate shaving, but I hate what results when I don't shave, what am I supposed to do?  That's a double edged sword.  Or I guess that in this case it would be a double edged razor blade.
     I am not sure why I hate shaving so much anyway.  I think it's just because I am lazy.  If I let my hair grow for a few days until it starts to get a little longer and then I shave it off, it actually feels pretty good.  It feels clean and refreshing, and I like that feeling.  When ones hair gets long it gets hot and sweaty.  Why do you think that girls are always putting their hair up when working out, or holding it up while dancing at the club?  Because it gets hot.  Clean shaven is cool and refreshing.  So I don't know why it bugs me to do it so much.  Maybe I am just lazy.  That is the most likely reason I would guess.  But honestly, it only takes me about two minutes to shave my face if I put my mind to it, about five to do my head if I am really booking.  So that would mean that I am pretty lazy, no?  Well I am.  It's not even that I don't like razor burn, because I rarely suffer from it.  I am usually okay on that front.  I just can't figure out for the life of me what it is.
     Seeing as how I don't like to shave one would think that I would just do the lazy thing and grow a beard.  But I can't.  I have tried.  I do pretty well when my hair is new and soft and lying there all nice.  But eventually it gets prickly.  And dirty.  And nasty.  And hot.  And there is something deeply disconcerting about shampooing one's face.  Plus, I think I look strange with a beard.  But that is probably because I have never had one.  My dad has always had one and I don't know how he does it.  I never could.  So after about 4 or 5 days I usually give up on it and whip out the Mach 3, usually in a fit of rage because my nascent beard has been scratching my chest all night long.  So I don't like to shave.  And I don't like the beard that results from that.  So what are my options?
     Nair.  I have actually seriously considered this.  I am not joking.  Both on my head and my face.  But there are downsides.  One, it's expensive.  Two, I would still have to do it all the time.  Third, people would think I am even stranger than they do now if I was doing that business.  Fourth, I am afraid of what would happen if I used Nair on my face.  I am afraid that it would irritate my face and I would be covered with red splotches as I walked around through my day.  I am also afraid that my hair wouldn't grow back evenly.  That is not such a problem with my face, where I would be performing hair removal more often, but on my head where I usually only deal with it once a week or so.  What would happen if the Nair messed up my follicles and my hair grew back like my lawn: really thick in areas and barely in others?
     Electrolysis.  Yeah, if I were to get electrolysis on my face and the top of my head I would be even more broke than I already am.  Seriously, I would drain the local supplies of energy.  So let's not even talk about that one.
     Waxing.  Well, this could be done.  There is nothing like ripping the hair out of your most sensitive areas with hot wax; you ladies can attest to this I am sure.  I haven't really researched this issue beyond watching the 40-Year Old Virgin but I am sure that it would not end well.  I am relatively confident that it would be successful, until you got up close I am sure.  I would guess that then it is pretty rough.  And knowing me I would have wax in my nose, eyes, ears, and I would probably be short an eyebrow by the time it was all said and done.  And that shit doesn't grow back.  And that is hair that I want to keep.  So no, no waxing for me.  I am not willing to risk having a unibrow just to not have to shave.  If those are my two choices then hand me the disposable Bic.  Hell, hand me a rusty, dull scissors.  I would rather shave my upper lip with that then spend the rest of my life penciling in an eyebrow lost in a tragic waxing incident.
     So I guess it's back to the razor for me.  And pulling a Home Alone every time when I put cologne on right after I shave.  But oh well.  It's better than having a big scratchy beard I guess.  And way better than using Nair.  And way, way better than accidentally waxing something I don't want waxed.  Maybe I should get an electric razor and let modern technology do the work for me.  Then it's like I am mowing the lawn, but it's on my face.  And who doesn't like to mow the lawn?

No comments: