Saturday, July 05, 2008

Soul for Sale

     There is something going on in New Zealand.  I don't know if it's in the water, or if it is something new that they are smoking.  But whatever it is they have been able to use their isolation to cloak it so the rest of us don't get to hit that shit.  Because they have been acting weird lately.  I wrote recently about a man who used a hedgehog as a weapon to attack a teenage boy.  That guy lived in New Zealand.  And this next guy lives in New Zealand as well.  And you know what this guy has done?  He's put his soul up for auction.
     Yeah, you read that correctly.  Even if you have been swilling vodka for the last hour you still read that right.  I said that he has put his soul up for auction.  Curiously enough, he has done things the American way.  Mr. Walter Scott put his mortal soul up for auction on the popular New Zealand auction site TradeMe after thinking about it for years apparently.  According to Scott, since his soul was not tangible - it couldn't be touched, seen, or felt - he felt like he should pawn it off to the highest bidder, who as of Wednesday had promised $189 for the item.  I have been unable to find the item on TradeMe but was unable to.  But that's okay because by the time you are reading this the auction will have closed and someone other than Walter Scott will own Walter Scott's soul.  
     This scares me a little bit, because it is uncharted territory.  Traditionally, the devil had a monopoly on souls, being the only one who routinely bought them from people.  But he always uses a barter-type system based on need or more likely desire.  You mutter "I'd give my soul for a cream-filled long john." and BAM! the devil appears sitting in your kitchen chair and offers you up a donut for your soul.  Then you are done for and you end up in hell having coffee with Martha Stewart and Oprah Winfrey.  But never has a human being been able to buy another human being's soul.  Nobody knows what is going to happen.  As soon as the new owner takes possession of Scott's soul there could be a rip in the space-time continum.  The Earth could reverse it's spin, all magnets will reverse polarity and everybody will be lost.  Maybe the sky will start falling and Chicken Little will stand there, leaning on a post and smoking a cigarette saying "I told you so dipshits."  Nobody knows.  Because nobody has ever done this before.
     "Alright Big Dave, settle down.  You just said that the soul is not tangible, that it is only a belief, that you can't put it in a box and send it to Quebec City via CanadaPost." That what you are probably saying out loud.  Well I hope that you are in one of those internet cafes and you said it out loud and people are looking at you like you need a helmet or something.  Because that's not true.  The good people at TradeMe made sure of that.  All they require to sell something on their site is a physical object to trade hands, so as soon as Mr. Scott whipped up a deed to his soul they declared the whole thing legitimate.  He even got a lawyer to give him some advice as to what the deed actually says and what it entitles the winner of the auction to.  You don't get to have a human slave if you win this auction, you just get his soul.  You don't control him in any way, shape, or form.  So don't get too excited.  
     Get scared.  Because this dicey.  And it is going down.  And there is no way to predict the consequences.  Let's hope that Satan ponies up the $200 to buy this puppy and then we can all more on.  Otherwise I just might have to retreat to the bunker.  Because that is safe and no one can see me pee my pants out of fear.  I am seriously scared for the future.  For the first time I am glad that there are two BVM's watching and listening and praying over me at all times.  Maybe I should send them down to his house to pray for him. Because we don't know the eternal consequences of this business.  And whatever happens, the blood in on your hands Walter Scott.  Thanks, dick.

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