Wednesday, July 16, 2008

My Life Below the D-List

    While I was in the Homeland visiting Mom and Dr. B at Dr. B's cabin, after a long day of being drug through more antique stores than any one person should have to survive, I was watching some TV.  And since there is no cabin, no satellite even, there are only two channels.  And so I was watching a show that I haven't watched in many years: The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.  And boy did he have an all-star lineup for a Wednesday night in July.  First up was Kathy Griffin, doing her routine while plugging her probably awful show on Bravo, "My Life on the D-List."  Next was Adam Corolla plugging whatever lame movie he is in now.  The musical guest was Willie Nelson and Winton Marsales, strange bedfellows to be sure.  But after Willie was done attempting to play a blues solo and failing miserably and everyone was jockeying for position in front of the camera while Jay chatted up Winton, I came to a shocking and disheartening conclusion.  I am the Kathy Griffin of the blogosphere.
     Yeah, it's rough.  It hits me like a 2 x 4 just saying it now.  But I am afraid that it is true.  Just think about it.  We are both awfully similar in a lot of ways.  We are both good enough looking.  At least I think so.  And I think you'd agree, because I saw you eyeing me up right about the time I was talking about the antique stores.   It's okay if you look me up and down, maybe undress me with your eyes, just maybe be a little more discreet about it next time.  And I think that Kathy Griffin is cute enough.  Curly red locks.  Cute face most of the time.  So there you go.  But then we open out mouths.
     Yeah, Kathy Griffin is funny most of the time, but my goodness can she be annoying.  Just like yours truly.  I like to think that I am usually a  crack up, but sometimes it can just get a little old.  I know.  Same with Kathy.  She is always doing her act and never seems to be herself.  Everything is always rehearsed, and she doesn't so much participate in the interview as she does her comedy routine while Jay Leno asks questions.  I know how that feels.  90% of the time I am turned on all the time.  Try and figure that one out.  See what I mean?  It just happened.  In public, on TV, on the web, neither of us is a real person.  We are entertainers, plain and simple.  If I wanted to be me I would be crying to all you about how my one of my best friends is moving far, far away and how I am scared I will never see her again.  But I am not.  Because that's not why you bring up Internet Explorer and punch in  Kathy Griffin doesn't want to go on Jay Leno and talk about the afternoon she spent with Paris Hilton.  She probably wants to talk about how her water bill was way high last month and it was because her water heater had exploded and there was four inches of water in her basement draining down the sump.  But you don't care about her water leak.  I don't care about her water leak.  Nobody cares about her water leak except for her and maybe her plumber.  So she gets up there and spins stories.  And I sit down on my keyboard and spin stories.  And all is right in the world.
     We both have media outlets that cater to a small, small group of devoted followers.  Not a lot of people are watching "My Life on the D-List" over on Bravo because, well, nobody watches Bravo.  And not a whole lot of people in the grand scheme of things are going to read these words.  Yet we are both craving fame to some degree.  That is why we both shamelessly plug ourselves; her by making sure she is standing at the front of the stage so the cameras can see her, me by telling everyone I know about my blog and handing it out on little strips of paper to random people until mall security escorts me off the property.  It's the same insanity behind it all though.  She goes on Days of Our Lives to keep the flame alive, I prattle on about Kathy Griffin.  We are both whores in the end, selling ourselves on a dingy street corner where a singe streetlight barely gets a little cone of light to defeat the night.   And we are both okay with it.
     Also, we both have nice boobs.  There, I said it.
     See?  You didn't believe me when I told you that Kathy Griffin and I were the same.  We have all those characteristics in common.  It's obvious that I am the Kathy Griffin of the blogosphere, and it's no good.  Because I make all sorts of jokes about her.  I mean, come on.  Her biggest claim to fame was being on Suddenly Susan.  That show stared Brooke Shields.  That's awful.  Really truly awful.  So I've got to do something to de-Kath myself right quick.  Maybe get super famous.  Maybe just stop whoring myself.  Maybe just stop wanting it so badly.  I don't know.  But I have to do something about this situation.  I don't want to get stuck being the Kathy Griffin of the blogosphere, living life here below the D-List.


jessica said...

Hi Dave! Sorry to bother you this way but I did not see anywhere to "contact" you personally. My name is Jessica and I work for in Cincinnati and we are getting ready to go live and I would love to reference your blog about chili and cheese on top of everything! even tater tots! If you get a chance to respond that would be great. thanks again for your time!

Big Dave said...

Jessica, please feel free to reference any and all posts from Big Dave and Company. Good luck with your website and we wish you the greatest success once you go live!