Tuesday, July 01, 2008


     On August 1, 1981, on infant cable systems across the United States, images of The Buggles singing "Video Killed the Radio Star" flickered to life.  What the people watching in those early morning hours witnessed was the very beginnings of something that would grow into a cultural tour de force in the world.  It would set trends for billions of young people, it would document in a very unique and saddening manner our society's slow slide into struggling oblivion.  It would go on to be one of the most influential yet uselessly wrong forces in our world.  What they were watching was the beginnings of MTV.
     Under no circumstances should you watch MTV.  For any reason.  And that is not a friendly suggestion.  That is an order.  There is nothing of substance, nothing of value, and certainly nothing redeeming about anything that you might see.  Even on the rare chance that you actually see a video on MTV, which is quite rare these days, it will be a piece of crap.  You might as well go on Pay-per-view and buy some sort of skinemax porn, because that is basically what the videos will be on MTV, except with more clothes.  If I am going to watch scantily clad people gyrating their swimsuit areas on each other, that is fine.  But I want it done right, not with some stupid R&B song playing over it and with only thighs and midriffs showing.  But the odds are that it won't be a problem.  Because only late at night, and in the morning does MTV play videos. It's main audience - teenagers and college coeds - aren't usually awake or sober enough at those times to watch anyway, so they figure that they might as well live up to their name for a little bit.  The rest of the day they are showing other stuff.  And it's that stuff that is really dangerous.
     Yeah, I am talking about the shows on MTV.  I think it started back in the 90s with The Real World, which is the biggest joke on TV today.  Let's take an Eskimo, an ultra gay man from New York City, a cowboy from New Mexico who hates gay people, a blonde girl with fake boobs who is really slutty when she's drunk but couldn't work an elevator if her life depended on it, a black woman who is pissed she is black, and a hot brunette who is pissed that everyone is paying more attention to the blonde than her.  Throw in an all-American junior college quarterback who dropped out for his shot at fame and put them all in a former storm sewage pumping station that has been converted into an ultra-modern apartment with a hot tub, dishwasher, and cameras in every room, including the bedroom and shower.  Then give them a job that doesn't mean anything and that they can't screw up and that leaves them plenty of time to hang out in the hot tub and fellate each other, and you have The Real World.  Too bad the real world, the world in which the rest of us live, IS NOTHING LIKE THAT!  I have lived in the real world for many years now, and in general, frat boys live with  frat boys.  Athletes live with athletes.  Hot girls live with other hot girls.  Eskimos live with Eskimos.  People are social animals and they tend to move and settle in packs.  That's just how it works.  The Real World is probably the most staged thing that I can think of.
     And that's just the tip of the iceberg.  Most of the shows on MTV are equally as farcical and useless.  All of them.  Even MTV News is a joke.  It should be called MTV "News" because it never, ever reports anything worthwhile.  There isn't ever even a reporter in the field most of the time.  And the people reading the news can't even fake that what they are saying is important.  Because they know as well as I do that all they are doing is reading a headline about something that the listeners don't really care about or understand.  They know that they aren't even giving and useful information.  Then it's back to you Skuyler or Cimmaron or Abati or whatever lame "VJ" is working that day.  And the VJ's are just as bad as the rest of the crew.  I am still not sure what they do.  They dress in clothes that are worth more than my two cars put together, with the girls showing more skin than I do in the shower, and they awkwardly announce videos or what show is next or conduct a mind numbing interview with Gwen Stefani.  Then they sip some sort of latte while the rest of that stuff goes on.  It has to be the easiest job in the world if you enjoy being an idiotic douchebag who has to work out all the time and put lots of gel in your hair.  They would never make it on a TV show where they actually have to provide substance.  I mean, have you ever watched Last Call with Carson Daily?  He sucks so bad that only Bissell will dare sponsor him anymore.
     If all of this sounds like bliss to you I am quite frankly astonished.  Not so much that you'd like all that stuff, but that you actually were able to read that.  There wasn't even a picture or anything.  I am so proud of you!  No, not really.  Because you are going to go watch MTV when you are done here.  This is what is going to happen:  Within the first fifteen minutes you will fall into a sort of a helpless coma.  You will be able to move and look around, and your eyes will be open, but you might as well be comatose.  If someone comes and changes the channel for you during this stage you will survive.  Unless they put on VH1 or CMT.  After a half hour your head will tilt to the side, usually to the left, and it won't be on purpose.  It just means that your brain has turned to mush and you will no longer have control over your bodily functions.  Within the next 45 minutes or so, or right about the time that Serrah jumps into the sack with Bryant after a night of binge drinking on The Real World or right about when Damien wraps up that interview with Chris Brown, your brain will actually leak out of your ear and land on your shoulder.  This will stain your shirt.  The cable company actually has a sensor on every cable system that can tell if someone has been watching MTV for more than 30 minutes.  Shortly after your brain leaks out of your ear a crew of men in blue jumpsuits from the cable company will arrive at your house with a sort of stretcher apparatus and they will haul you away to buy big,d ark sunglasses that make you look like a bug, a shirt from the Abercrombie and Fitch catalog, and maybe some capri pants.  That's what will happen to you if you watch MTV when you are done here.  And don't say I didn't warn you.  

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