Saturday, July 19, 2008

I Do Not Run on Dunkin'

     I've got some problems with Dunkin' Donuts.  There.  I've said it.  They've been pissing me off lately with their new little slogan.  Have you heard this?  Yes?  No?  Well I have, and it pisses me off.
     Dunkin' Donuts has always been known for having good, original commercials.  Like the "Time to Make the Donuts" guy.  It's a classic.  Fantastic.  I live it.  It makes me giggle.  Even the newer ones have been pretty good.  The three girls cleaning up after "the all night blowout."  The dude who is reluctantly helping his friend move.  "Doing things is what I like to do."  And so on and so forth.  They even have John Goodman narrating one.  And who doesn't like John Goodman.  I mean, he hosted Saturday Night Live like 164 times, so how can you not like him?  So the bottom line is that I like the commercials.  But what I don't like it the slogan.  The commercials are great until they spit out the slogan.
     The ad geniuses on Madison Avenue have decided that the best way to get my and my cohorts in the "males age 24-40" demographic to eat at Dunkin' Donuts is to slap the line "America Runs on Dunkin'" at the end of every commercial.  Well, that's where you lost me Dunkin' Donuts.  Because I have a problem with that.  Basically, it's this:  America does not run on Dunkin.'
     They don't even have a Dunkin' Donuts in my town.  So right there you are wrong.  Because 1.) you all know how much it makes me mad when companies advertise in areas where they do not provide services and 2.) if there is no Dunkin' Donuts in or near my town then all of America obviously does not run on Dunkin', now does it?  And you know what?  I hate that they don't even use their whole name.  If I wasn't so smart and fantastic I wouldn't know that "Dunkin'" meant Dunkin' Donuts.  You wouldn't have known that if I hadn't told you.  See how dumb that is?  If I asked people I know who are into marketing, or who are very smart, they would go ape shit over this.  They would blow their respective stacks.  Because it's that retarded.  Seriously.  
     That's why they have to have such good commercials.  Because they have such a shitty slogan.  So they have to have a good commercial to disguise that fact.  They've spent something like eleventy billion dollars for some tweed in the advertising world to come up with a great, catchy slogan and that tweed hasn't come through for them.  But they have invested too much into this thing already and so now they have to dump in even more to make it fly.  And it makes me giggle.  That's what they get for moving their only store in my hometown of 65,000 out of my hometown when I was like 13 and reinforcing the fact that America really does not run on Dunkin' because they don't have locations in ANY of the stores that I have EVER lived in.  Do you see how this is so ridiculous?  I FEEL LIKE I AM TAKING CRAZY PILLS!  
     Listen, I know that Dunkin' Donuts is headquartered in Massachusetts.  And I know that that is where it sprouted from.  And I know that people from New England think that the world and therefore America ends somewhere along the Hudson River, but that doesn't mean that the whole country runs on your shit.  Your coffee isn't even that good.   And you can't even get it in Lincoln, Nebraska.  So you can go to hell Dunkin' Donuts.  Because you are not the gasoline that powers the car that is America.  NOTHING RUNS ON DUNKIN'!  God does that piss me off.


Roxy said...

Hmm..the new slogan DOES suck, big guy, and seriously no one could ever top the "time to make the donuts" guy, ok? But honestly, Dunkin' Donuts are the best ever. There I said it, please dont hate me :)

Big Dave said...

Nothing but love from this side of the room Hot Stuff!