Thursday, July 03, 2008

FreeRelationshipReport.com

     I was watching TV the other day.  That's not surprising; I watch a lot of TV.  But on this particular night one of those commercials for FreeCreditReport.com came on, you know, the ones with the curly haired guy and his band mates singing a little song.  There's the one where they are driving around in a little Geo Metro because he had bad credit.  Then there is the one where he is a host in a seafood restaurant and he's singing about how someone stole his identity.  But it was the third in the series that I saw that made me pause.  It's my favorite but it isn't on that often, so I have never had a chance to notice something before.  
    Before we talk about it you should watch it.  Let it be known it is so rare I had to search through 3 pages of videos on YouTube until I found it.  Click here and take a look though and watch it.  And really listen to the lyrics and you will hear and figure out what astonished me about this favorite commercial of mine.
    First of all, big props to whomever made and produced this commercial.  They are actually in a basement apartment.  You can see people walking by the window in the kitchen/laundry room that the girl keeps walking into.  But that's not what struck me.  What struck me was in the lyrics.
     Okay, I will come right out and say it.  This girl is obviously not his dream girl.  He sings about how if he'd known that she had bad credit he would be "a happy bachelor with a dog a yard."  That's horseshit.  Here's the deal people.  SHE'S NOT YOUR DREAM GIRL IF YOU WILL DUMP HER BECAUSE SHE HAS BAD CREDIT!  Son of a bitch!  Listen, I have known some couples who have gotten together when one of them has bad credit.  You just get everything in the other person's name.  It's not that hard.  You figure something out.  That's how it goes.  If she's your dream girl you shouldn't care about her credit.  Unless of course you have terribly misplaced priorities.  Or maybe you get a ton of girls, I don't know.  I mean, he IS in a band, and bands are notorious chick magnets.  But still.  Stop pulling my leg FreeCreditReport.com guy.  She is not your dream girl.  If you can't put up with living in apartments for the rest of your life to be with the girl of your dreams, YOUR DREAMS, not just some chick you met at the roller disco, not just some girl who doesn't get weirded out by your collection of Hot Wheels, not just some girl who can do some amazing thing with her tongue (although, you might want to hold on to that one on second thought), we are talking about the girl that you DREAM about every night and something during the day, maybe while you are driving your Geo Metromobile to your job at the seafood palace, then she isn't your dream girl.  And you probably don't deserve her.  I would hope that you would rather have her than a 1700 square foot salt box on Foxtail Ct. in the Morningcreek Meadows subdivision off Route 179.  Because that wouldn't be that great anyway.  And I think Sister would agree with me on that.
     So suck on it FreeCreditReport.com guy.  I am calling your bluff.  Post a video on YouTube singing with your band about how much you love her more than owning a home and I will leave you be.  Otherwise I am going to take her from you.  Because she seems pretty cute.  And she is obviously willing to do laundry.  And besides, you've already pissed her off by airing her dirty laundry (please excuse the pun) to the whole nation in song form.  Shit.  So get with the program and take care of your lady friend.  Or else I will.  And I will propose to her in the seafood restaurant just to rub it in your face.  And I will ask you to sing at the wedding.  And I will pee on your car out in the parking lot.  Not on the tire either, right in the middle of the hood.  And pee is acidic so get ready to visit Maaco.  Because that's how it will have to be.  And we will be moving into a nice bungalow somewhere because my credit is just fine.  Take that.

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