Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Clean Up Your Act, Then Your Clothes

    So, I went to the laundromat yesterday.  I wasn't so much out of clothes as I was out of clothes that I wanted to wear.  I have been secured firmly in t-shirt and jeans mode as of late, and all my t-shirts were dirty.  I wasn't about to swelter in a polo as I wandered through my life.  But I digress.  I haul my laundry down the street to the laundromat that is like three blocks down my street, get out of the car, walk inside and see something that pisses me off.  Every washer is taken.
     It wasn't so much that every washer was taken.  I can handle that.  Say its a Sunday or Monday afternoon and maybe a parade of motor homes is rolling through town, whatever.  These things happen.  But what else was happening that really got my feathers ruffled was that one person was using THE WHOLE LAUNDROMAT!
     What's with that?  How much laundry can a person do all at once?  I mean, seriously.  They had all four double loaders, and like 10 single loaders going.  If I do every single piece of linen in my home that might sort of be dirty I can fill maybe six loads, and that is extreme.  But to fill the whole laundromat?  Holy shit woman, how many comforters do you have?  Are you like the Princess and the pea, where you have to lie on twenty mattresses and twenty eider-down beds?  What is an eider-down bed?  Are you washing those too?  Should those go in the mining clothes only machines that they have in every laundromat where I live?  Can you answer and of these questions Princess, or are you too busy taking up ALL THE DAMN MACHINES?  
     Other things baffle me too.  Like, where's the truck?  I bring two loads of laundry down to the laundromat and it takes up the entire back of my station wagon.  So I would assume that you need to drive a panel truck to carry your eleventy billion loads of laundry around.  But where is it?  All I see is a 1994 Ford Escort hatchback that's missing its back bumper and for some inexplicable reason has a trailer hitch on it.  Maybe you pull a trailer to haul all your laundry.  I am not exactly sure.  But something involving your transportation situation isn't jiving.  Did you just materialize from thin air.  I am wondering if you are a shape shifter.  Or MacGyver.  Explain to my how you got you, your dog, and all that laundry to the laundromat and maybe I will give you your fabric softener back.  That's called a negotiation.
     So I guess that now my question is this: are you dumb or just rude?  Because one of two situations must be true.  Either you don't understand that you have caused EVERYONE ELSE to not be able to do their laundry, or you just don't care.  Are you a flaming retard or an unfettered douchebag?  Please let me know.  If you just didn't realize, like perhaps you can't count or don't understand the concept of zero, as in there are zero machines left, that's fine.  We can work with you.  But if you were fully aware that you were taking up every machine, and fully aware of the consequences of that action, yet you did it anyway?  Well then I am afraid that there might not be much hope for you.  Because you are an insufferable prick.  The only thing that we as a society can do for you is for me to throw some greasy ball bearings in the dryer with your whites.  I am sorry that I had to do that to you.  But you brought it upon yourself.  Oh, and I've taken your fabric softener back.  Sucks to be you.
     Here is the deal.  Part of being a member of society is that you think of other people and what is good for the society as a whole.  So you need to leave at least three washing machines open for other people to use.  Even if it takes you an extra half hour to get your business done, that's what you should do.  Or else I am going to pee in your laundry basket.  Bottom line.  And all the Era in the world isn't going to get that out, especially once I bake it in the sun in the back of your Escort.  And then you are going to walk outside and I am going to be there waiting, and you are going to open up the car, and open up the basket, and it's going to be gross.  And I am going to yell "YEAH, THAT JUST HAPPENED!" like I am in Talladaega Nights or something.  And I am going to make a fool of you and your laundry fetish.  So get ready for that.
     Or maybe I will just throw your wet clothes on the floor when you go out to get some ice cream.  I am not sure which.


KingBobb said...

Big Man, I gotta tell you....that was one of the higher rants that you have screamed about on this thing. I fully empathize with you and if you happen to run outta urine, gimme a call. Chances are, six and half hours later, she'll still be doing laundry and I'll get the other basket. But we don't talk until after the fact. Because guys don't converse in the bathroom. Period.

chlewis said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
chlewis said...

I am so glad that someone has brought this up. This is a problem that needs to be dealt with. The laundromat sucks to begin with and then a jackass takes all of the washers only prolonging the agony that is laundry. The other problem is once they get done with ALL of the washers they take up ALL of the dryers, twice.

jessica said...

Even flaming retards seem to have respect for one another! She sounds like an unfettered douchebag. Never a dull moment at a laundromat! I used to go to one that was also a tanning bed, how weird...they walk past ya and get suntan oil on yer shit, that's just mean.