Friday, June 20, 2008

Living with the BVM 2

     A couple of weeks ago I wrote about how my neighbors went out and installed a six foot tall statue of the Blessed Virgin Mary (BVM) in their backyard that looked at all of the areas where I try to sin.  And that's fine.  Her presence has for the most part kept me from sinning.  No swilling beers in my driveway.  No belting out swears in the garage.  No stumbling up my stairs after a night at the bar.  No cheap floozies hanging around in my bedroom.  The BVM, as expected, has kept me in line.  But as I came wandering up the driveway and made the turn up my stairs, I saw something through my stairs.  See, my stairs are the kind that you can see through, so you can shovel the snow through it in the winter, maybe throw stuff through at your friends below.  I don't know why my friends would be hanging out down there, all that's there is a flower garden and a gas meter and a basement window well.  Until today.  As I trod up my stairs with my head down I noticed today a statue of the Blessed Virgin Mary hanging out under my stairs, praying for my soul.
  I can smell the smoke billowing from your head as you try in vain to understand just how a six foot tall, cast iron statue of the BVM that was lashed to a deck could move roughly 40 feet from my neighbors yard to below my deck.  And for a minute I was thinking the same thing.  I mean, I don't think some hooligans came running in and moved things around.  I don't think that The Peg-a-saurus Rex did it even though she's had a hard on for the BVM lately.  I suppose it could have been a miracle.  Miracles are always possible then the BVM is involved.  But nay, it was none of the above.  As my landlord was cleaning the garage and getting prepared for their big rummage sale, he must have stumbled across their own statue of the BVM.  And keeping up with the Jones' being what it is, they put her out, under the shelter of my stairs, for all the world to see.  And to stare down the other BVM.  Just great.
     There are differences between the two BVM's.  My landlord's BVM is smaller, and she hasn't been repainted in some time.  She's cloaked in more of a yellowish robe as opposed to the resplendent blue next door.  But she's pretty enough.  And she's just as pious.  But she's much closer to me.  At least she's not looking at me.  But she can hear me.  So now they've got both bases covered.  And I am in a bad way.
Now, as I try to do my business, no matter what business it is I am trying to do, one of the two BVM's will be on to me.  Either the one across the way will be looking at me with that odd mix of mourning and benevolence, or the one under the stairs will be hearing all the juicy details.  I might look innocent enough talking to that girl who works at Menard's on the back porch to the BVM next door, but the BVM under the stairs will hear all the sweet nothings I am whispering in her ear.  We might look like four high school chums playing euchre on the deck to the BVM next door, but the BVM under the stairs will hear the terrible jokes and the horribly inappropriate banter.  We might sound innocent enough, standing on the deck looking at the stars to the BVM under the stairs, but the BVM across the way will see my trying to cop a feel on the neighbors daughter.  So great.  I am screwed no matter what.  I don't know if God in his omniscience tipped off the BVM that I was still up to no good and encouraged her to get some help or what but COME ON!  This is getting quite ridiculous.
     I've thought about being proactive in my approach, I really have.  I think that the BVM under the stairs would look lovely with some red earmuffs on, and the BVM next door could use one of those ornate sleep masks, or maybe a trucker hat that says "Highland Feed & Bean, Inc. Ault, CO 80610 (970) 834-2891" and has a picture of a cow on it or something.  I am thinking yellow writing on a black trucker's hat, you know the kind with the mesh on it.  So anyway, I am thinking that one of those on the BVM next door would really make it hard for her to see what's going on at my place.  Yeah, I want to do that.  I want to do that SO BAD.  But I can't.  I really can't.  Because you can't defile a statue of the BVM like that.  You just can't.  If you live in Cleveland, and the Indian's finally are playing for the pennant like you are in Major League or something, you can't even put an Indian's t-shirt on the BVM.  She can only be clothed in her motherly vestments.  The most that you can do to a statue of a BVM, other than place it in a half bathtub buried in the ground, is to put a rosary around her folded hands.  That's it.  That's all you can do.  Then she gets to pray the Rosary instead of her usual prayers.  It's like a refreshing change for her.  But that's all you can do.  That's it.  No winter hat in the winter to keep her hear warm.  No sleeping mask so she can't see my shenanigans.  That's the rule.
     So that's it for me.  There is not much else I can do.  I can spend thousands of dollars to soundproof my apartment and put two way mirrors in all my windows.  But that seems like an awful large investment for an apartment that only has electricity in half of it.  I suppose I could get another place, maybe a permanent room at a local hotel, but I am too poor for that business.  As far as I can see all I can so is shape up and be good.  And that is no fun.  But that's the price you pay, I guess, for living with not one, but two BVM's.  May God have mercy on me.

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