Thursday, June 12, 2008

Gravity Rides Everything

Company, I've got a problem.  I've got a God-damn problem.  Every day of my life; every minute that the Earth and humanity and trees and root beer floats and iron ore and Sunbeam brand oscillating fans and kickballs and snow angels have existed we have all been held prisoner - repressed even - by gravity.  And gravity is a dick.
Gravity is like that bully in high school who would always appear at the most inconvenient time and knock all the library books and textbooks and your science fair project out of your hands, usually right when that girl you have a crush on, or the captain of the baseball team, or the physics teacher that you've been sleeping with was looking.  Sometimes the books and papers would land in a puddle of water, or maybe the other kids in the hall kick the books and scatter them all around while you try in vain to pick them up.  Anyway, gravity is that bully.  Think about it.  It is always lurking.  It steals your lunch money; I don't think that all those coins ended up under the couch cushions on their own.  Gravity sneaks up behind you and knocks all sorts of important stuff right out of your hands.  That screw that you are trying to screw into the ceiling fan.  That bag of groceries with the eggs and loaf of Wonder Bread in it.  The cup of beer that you just poured from the keg, and it was such a perfect pour too; almost no foam.  Okay, so Duke knocked that out of your hand.  But if he hadn't gravity probably would have.  It is always out to make you look like a complete and utter tool.
Sometimes it does it by not showing up at all.  Like when you are trying to retrieve the last ice cube or two out of the bottom of your drink cup from Arby's.  Yeah, you know what I am talking about.  You tip the cup up, wait for the ice to come towards your waiting mouth, and nothing happens.  Then you look over and there is gravity, leaning against a light post with a pack of smokes rolled up in the sleeve of its white undershirt and it's all like "What?  I'm busy.  I'm not going to help you with your stupid ice cubes."  Yeah, that's the kind of guy that gravity is.  He is going to fuck you up no matter what it takes.  One minute he's shoving you to the floor when you trip on a concrete block at a frat party, the next minute he's neglecting to hold you down to the roller coaster track and your whole car goes flying off into oblivion and crashes into a cotton candy cart and suddenly you are on an episode of Rescue 911 or something.  I've seen it a million times.  And it's all because gravity is out to make your life miserable.
Seriously, I think that is its goal in life.  To make us miserable.  Because it does it at every turn.  Without gravity we would have no weight.  There it is.  Then no one would be worried about how much they weigh.  They would be worried about their mass.  Big difference.  Also, if there was no gravity we wouldn't have to spend so much on mattresses, and as a corollary to that, we wouldn't have to suffer through this constant barrage of mattress store sales.  No more fliers gumming up my Sunday paper.  Listen, I've already got a bed, thank you very much.  In fact I just rolled out of it and ALL I WANT ARE THE GOD-DAMN SUNDAY FUNNIES!  Go away Shunk Furniture Spring Mattress Sale flyer.  I am not interested in you.  All I am interested is getting gravity out of my business, so I can just float around my bedroom wrapped in a sleeping bag.  No need for a pillow even.  Every mattress company strives to make a bed that's like sleeping on a cloud.  Well if it wasn't for gravity you could, and it would be awesome until you floated up and your leg got caught in the ceiling fan and you were flung around until you were flung through your closet doors.  Hey, I have nothing against centripetal force.  He's always welcome at this party.  He's not a dick like gravity.
Without gravity my knees and feet and ankles would never hurt anymore, because quite frankly I wouldn't be waking anywhere anymore.  I would just be floating from place to place.  Cold beverage?  I'll just float on over to the fridge and get you one.  Cat stuck in a tree little girl?  Don't worry, I will just float on up and fetch that little guy for you.  No need to stumble home from the bar all drunk, I will just float home eventually.  See?  Gravity prevents all these wonderful things from happening.  That's my beef with gravity.  It never leaves me alone, and it keeps messing with my business.  Oh damnit!  I just dropped my mouse on the floor.  I knew that asshole gravity was hanging around here somewhere...

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