Friday, June 13, 2008

Friday the 13th

     Batten down the hatches.  Close the shutters.  Lock the doors.  Fathers, watch your daughters.  Lock up the hockey masks in a closet, foot locker, post office box, wherever.  Get out those special jeans that protect you from chainsaw cuts.  If you work in a hospital emergency room call in sick.  If you are a police officer make sure to eat your Wheaties.  If you are a small doll that is the embodiment of all evil break out your shiny shoes.  Why?  Because it's Friday the 13th.  I am just kidding.  Do all of those things because that's what you do every day.  Don't worry about the fact that it's Friday the 13th.  Because Friday the 13th doesn't mean shit.
     If you are afraid of Friday the 13th you have a condition called paraskavedekatriaphobia.  That's a made up word.  Because it's a made up phobia.  No one seems to know the origins of the urban legend that surrounds Friday the 13th, except for maybe Dan Brown, but it doesn't matter.  Because it's all horse poo.  Sure the number 13 has been unlucky as long as anyone can remember.  And apparently Friday has some sort of stigma surrounding it as well.  Fine.  But you can't get all bent out of shape every time two supposedly unlucky things cross paths.  Not even three.  Because it breeds on itself.  If you get yourself in an uproar just because there is a full moon on Friday the 13th then of course bad things are going to happen.  You are going to be all paranoid and creepy and of course you are going to get into a car accident or you will get fired.  Because your mind will be elsewhere and you won't be paying attention when that fuel tanker in front of you slams on its brakes.  And everybody knows that corporations like to fire people on Fridays because they take it easier.  Haven't you ever seen Office Space?  That's just how things work.  You can't freak out if you see a left handed black cat sitting underneath a ladder that is holding a broken mirror.  Unless maybe it was your mirror.  The paranoia and ridiculousness feeds upon itself and grows like a snowball rolling downhill.  So refuse to buy into it.
     Honestly, don't fan the flames.  Blondeness' daughter is getting married (Congratulations Paige!) today.  I think that is a great idea.  Refuse to participate in the lunacy.  Getting married on Friday, June 13th, 2008 in the rain is no different than getting married on Friday, February 13th, 2009 in the snow.  Okay, bad example.  But it's no different than getting married on Monday, November 3, 2008 while it's sunny and cool.  Your marriage is about how much work and sacrifice you put into it.  Go ahead and fly out of town today.  Your flight has more to do with the skill of the pilots and mechanics and the laws of physics.  Feel free to go and rewire that ceiling fan that still isn't working and causing your bedroom not to have electricity.  If you turn off the circuit breaker you will be fine.  Don't shy away from doing anything just because it's Friday the 13th.
     "But Big Dave, don't you know anything about anything?  Bad shit happens on Friday the 13th.  That's the day in 1307 that King Philip IV and Pope Clement V rounded up and tortured the Knights Templar and ultimately extinguished them."  Ummm...that is not a reason to be afraid of it.  On February 14, 1929 eleventy billion mobsters shot the bejesus out of each other at 2122 N. Clark St. in Chicago.  That was called the St. Valentine's Day Massacre.  But we don't freak out on that day and refuse to leave the house.  Far from it.  We go out and buy out wives and girlfriends flowers that will die in a week and chocolates that they won't eat because they don't want to get fat but that they eat later on anyway when we aren't looking.  Just because a bunch of people got killed doesn't mean that the day is tainted for all eternity.  Roughly 50,000 people died on June 15, 1815 at the Battle of Waterloo, but nobody gets all up in arms about that business.  We don't refuse to launch the space shuttle on June 15th.  So I don't know why we get all bent out of shape whenever Friday the 13th rolls around.  It's just nonsense.  So let's come off it.  Clean out the combine that you've been putting off for weeks.  Get out of bed and go on that BASE jumping trip you've been planning since 1997.  Light those cans of varnish on fire or whatever you were planning on doing.  Because Friday the 13th is absolutely nothing special.  And it's not evil.  And it's not unlucky.  And Jason or Michael Meyers or Chuckie or Kobe Bryant is not going to come and hurt you.  Because it's just another day.  So don't be just another idiot.

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