Monday, June 16, 2008

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Plus Randy Stevens

     Hey there Company, it's me, Big Dave.  Please, please keep it down.  It's a tick after 12:30 am and I am in hiding in my super secret emergency bunker below the intersection of W 8th and Wollaston Streets in Wilmington, Delaware.  Earlier today I tried to go outside and throw some sprouted potatoes into the woods behind my house and discovered something terrible waiting for me outside my front door.  So I threw the blinds, went back into my apartment, grabbed my emergency provisions bag, punched out the screen on one of my living rooms side windows, hopped out onto the ledge, jumped down into a bush, and ran like hell, vanishing into the depths and shadows of my neighborhood.  I emerged at the airport, hopped a plane to Delaware via Minneapolis, Denver, and Birmingham, Alabama (it was a super saver fare, in which I had to fly on a weekday after 6:54 MDT and make at least two connections and fly for at least 2 hours on a propeller plane.  I know, it sounds awful but I saved $13.49 over regular ticket prices!) and scurried into my super secret emergency bunker.  So what was it that was hanging out on my deck, lounging in my deck chairs, rifling through my rooftop storage box, and paging through the very National Geographics that I was going to retrieve?  What was it that made me go to such great lengths to ensure my safety?  Well, when I opened my front door and stepped out I saw, waiting for me, five people who scare the shit out of me.
     1.)  Oprah Winfrey.  Yeah, I am going to start with her.  Oprah is like the new Hitler.  Yeah, I said it.  Except that instead of discriminating based on hair color or eye color or skin color like Hitler, she discriminates based on whether or not you have a vagina.  Or if you are a dude who wishes you 
had one.  Seriously, nobody seems to see this.  I feel like I am taking crazy pills!  Millions of people read a book just because she says to read it.  Millions of people tune in to television stations just because she's on them.  Millions of people would vote for her if she were to run for President.  And there is not one good reason why.  She has never done anything to make herself be revered other than cry once in a while while on TV with a teenage cancer patient or a homeless mother of 16 who is living in a shipping crate.  Seriously, just think about it.  She's so much more powerful than you will ever know.  That one guy, how do we say, embellished the truth a little bit in his book and made her look like an idiot.  He went back on her show, made his apology, and then WAS NEVER HEARD FROM AGAIN.  I bet you can't even spit out his name.  I can't.  That's how she is.  Ruthless and unforgiving.  And that scares me to the very depths of my soul.
     2.) Martha Stewart.  Martha Stewart is pure, straight, evil.  I am serious.  She sets impossibly high standards in homemaking that even the most bored and industrious housewife or househusband could never 
even hope to achieve.  And honestly, most of the shit she does I would never want in my home anyway.  Because they make houses feel unliveable.  You know what I want in my house?  A couch, a TV, some pots and pans, and a bunch of filth and junk.  That's what makes your house feel like a home.  Her house feels like a magazine picture come to life.  Let's see why else is she evil?  I am pretty sure all of her product line that's for sale at K-Mart or wherever is made by European orphans in an underground lair in the hills of central Portugal, and then they are shipped out under dark of night avoiding all sorts of EU customs and taxes.  Also, she was willing to do time to be super rich.  That's messed up.  She could have been just merely rich doing things the right way, but she decided that being incarcerated was worth all that extra rich.  That dedicated.  It's that kind of dedication that would lead her to find me no matter where I am.  Even here in my super secret emergency lair.  Plus, I am about 98% sure that Martha Stewart is just Dick Cheney in a cardigan and page boy wig.  So that means that she will shoot me in the face at the drop of a hat.  Except in Martha Stewart guise she will have to shoot me with a hot glue gun instead of a hunting rifle.  Oh, who am I kidding.  I am sure that Martha Stewart packs a Luger in her sock.
     3.)  Ron White.  Yeah, that's right.  I said Ron White.  The comedian who was on the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.  I know that he's hilarious, but he looks like at any moment he could go off, beat the shit out of me, and then put that in his comedy routine.  Plus, he could drink me under the table no questions asked.
 And I can usually hold my own.  But Ron White would blow me out of the water.  Or the high ball if you'd rather.  And at any party we happened to be at together he would totally steal the show and make me feel like shit.  Plus, he has a far cooler motor home than I will ever have.  EVER.  And although he doesn't lord it over me at the moment, I am always worried that he will eventually.  And it's tough to live while looking over your shoulder and seeing that all the damn time.  Yeah, that's what Ron White does to me.  And he could very easily do it to you too.
     4.)  Coach McGuirk.  I know, I know, I know.  He's a cartoon.  He's just on the show Home Movies. But honestly, he's an awful, awful coach.  And just about as poor a human being.  I know he means well but he always give awful advice and he leaves a trail of broken lives behind him as he goes ab
out his business.  He hates soccer yet he's a soccer coach  He hates kids yet he works at an elementary school.  And at any minute he is about three seconds from strangling me for using my hands.  Plus, it was an actual guy on my deck who was dressed like Coach McGuirk and who was acting like Coach McGuirk.  And that guy can't be right.  Because he's walking through life dressed like a cartoon character from Adult Swim.  So I don't know if it's the Coach or the Guy that scares me more, but either way it was messed up.  Really.
     5.)  Randy Stevens of Tuscon, Arizona.  He knows why.
     So those people were waiting outside for me when I emerged from my domicile and as you can see it scared the shit out of me.  But you would be scared too if you saw that on your deck when you came outside and all those people were there.  As such, I am in hiding in my super secret emergency bunker, watching all five of those people on big monitors with no sound.  Because I have no need for sound.  There are lip readers around who will translate for me.  And that's all I need.  But I am not going to come out of hiding until they leave me in peace.  So watch out, because I am desperate to save myself.  And I am not below selling you out to do it.  Not when the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse plus Randy Stevens are involved.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Big Dave, Alas I feel you have lost your damn mind, what the h... was that all about. A little afraid that women will rise a take over your world? Another fight with you is on!!! Peg