Monday, June 16, 2008

Cat Strollers and Doggy Bags

     There are a lot of ridiculous things in this world.  And very few of these things are natural.  Most of them are man made.  And today on TV I saw one of the most ridiculous.  And not just because it was pink. Because it was a cat stroller.
     Now I've seen people walk their cats.  In fact, I'll up the ante.  I know people who walk their cats.  I absolutely adore some people who walk their cats.  But those people walk them with a leash and a harness.  That's normal.  That's how animals are supposed to be walked.  That why it's called a walk.  Because the people walk.  And the animals walk.  And it's fun and it's exercise.  And Mother Nature smiles and the world goes around.  
     The problem I have in not with taking your cats out into the world.  The problem I have is doing so in a cat stroller.  For those of you who don't know what a cat stroller is, it's basically a pet carrier, in this case
divided into two rooms, mounted to a frame.  It basically looks like some mad scientist took a pet carrier and welded it to one of those strollers like I used to have when I was a kid, the kind that had a flimsy metal frame and the handles made two little hooks and that the kids could get hurt if it tipped over or something.  Not like the kind they have now that are more stable than a tank, and have side curtain airbags in case a rogue shopping cart comes by or something.  So anyway, the front room of the pet carrier is covered with mesh, so the dumb cat can see out and be in the breeze or whatever.  And the back room is covered with a canvas material with little windows so the dumb cat can hide if it wants so.  So that room totally defeats the purpose.  Let's take the dumb cat outside to see the world and be part of our lame family so it can hide and not even see anything.  Oh how smart is that.  Someone who is dumb enough to have a cat stroller wouldn't be smart enough to think of that though I suppose.  So I guess it makes sense then, doesn't it?  
     The bottom line here is that if you own a cat stroller, or read this and want to own one, then you have such a warped sense of reality, and are so lacking in common sense, that you shouldn't even be allowed to go outside anyway.  So you will have to take your cat stroller inside and use it on the treadmill.  Because you obviously don't have a clue and will probably be hit by a bus, or fall into a small stream if we allow you to wander around unattended.  So this should be the law:  All cat strollers should be sold with either a.) a leash and harness combo, and not for the cat, for the person using the cat stroller, because they really should be tethered to a zip line or a park bench or something for their own protection and ours or b.) a state-approved sitter to make sure that they behave and don't kill themselves.  That's the only way that this works for me.  
     Now, settle down cat people.  I am not just picking on you today.  Because the dog world, the world in which I much prefer to live, has a version of this phenomenon as well.  And it's retarded for many of the same reasons that the cat stroller is.  The dog world's version is the dog purse.  You know what I am talking
 about.  This is a favorite of those young, hot, yet ultimately revolting Hollywood actresses who like their little tiny yippy dogs and who like to carry them everywhere with them.  To court for their arraignment, to the hot new Italian sushi restaurant, to rehab.  So they have these big purse or bag looking things that you get and you put your stupid little dog in there and off you go.  This trend was started by that psycho Paris Hilton and that dog from the Taco Bell commercials that she is always running around with.  And it needs to be stopped.  For several reasons.  First of all there are a lot of places that you really shouldn't be taking your dog.  Like the grocery store.  Or the antifreeze factory.  Or funeral parlors.  Or the International Pet Allergy Convention.  If you are Australian and reading this, and you own a dingo, then you should also not take your pet into a child care facility or a hospital nursery.  That's just common sense.  I don't care if you are the heiress to an eleventy billion dollar urinal cake fortune.  You still shouldn't be taking your teacup poodle into Wimbledon.  
     I think that one of the things that makes me the most angry about the dog part is that most of the people
who are big into these dog bags are very wealthy.  Or at least somewhat wealthy.  So they can afford a different solution.  If it is so terribly important that you take Tinkerbell or Mojo or Lilybelle or whatever you lame dog's name is into every building enter or every event that you attend then you should spend the money and get them trained as a seeing eye dog.  Because service dogs are allowed in just about every environment in today's society.  It doesn't matter if you are disabled (well, we know that you are mentally disabled in some way, shape of form if you have a what is literally a doggy bag) or blind or anything, because it's still a service dog and you are at least sort of trying.  
     So if you've gone out and bought a doggy bag or a cat stroller lately then you are no longer my friend.  If you are walking your pet, even if your pet is a ferret or a big white rat, then you are okay because you are living in reality and I can deal with you.  If you've in the past gone out and bought one of these monstrosities and have since realized that you have made a terrible mistake then there is still hope for you.  Go out and get into your vehicle.  Go to a town at least 72 miles away and find a rummage sale.  Arrange with the person who is running the rummage sale to allow you to include your cat stroller or dog purse in the rummage sale, and have them send the money they make from the sale to a post office box in a third town.  Then go there next week and check and see if your money is there.  Then you've removed the mistake from your life, and its all done anonymously.  And you can move on with your existence.  But please realize that you can never tell anyone about what you've done.  Because then I will have to put you in a tether.  And nobody wants that.

1 comment:

KingBobb said...

Doggy bag, ha ha!

Tip of the hat to Gary Larson reference.