Sunday, May 11, 2008

Your Mom

It's Mother's Day kids.  So my question is this:  what the hell are you doing reading my lame blog when you should be hanging out with your mom?  Unless you are reading this blog with your mom, then it's cool.  But seriously, go call her right now.  I will wait.




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...you're done?  No no no.  Go call her back.  I will wait some more.




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...okay, that's long enough.  Well, nothing is long enough when it comes to your mom.  You can never talk to her enough, spend enough time with her, get her enough gifts.  I mean, she's your mom.  And honestly, you can never repay her enough for what she did for you.  HEY!  Don't even give me that crap!  I will kick your ass if you say one more word.  I know, your mom yelled at you.  She grounded you.  She didn't let you do all the fun yet dangerous things that you wanted to do when you were a teenager.  She nagged you about your FAFSA and getting a job and going to class and cleaning your room.  But you know what?  That's her job.  And she was good at it I am sure.  It's her job to keep you in line.  And you don't have to like her, but she's your mother, so you have to love her.  And you should, because she has done a lot more for you than you have for her.  So let me give you just a partial rundown.
     Okay, she gave you life.  That's pretty fucking important.  I mean, she could have squeezed and kept you in.  Or poked you in the face with a coat hanger.   So you owe her for that one.  And I don't know how much you know about childbirth, but it is not a pleasant experience for the mother.  She gets to pee, poop, and disgorge a lot of other nasty stuff out of her body in front of dozens of people who have been staring at her vagina for the past 6 hours.  Oh, and it's incredibly painful.  Don't forget about that.  Cramps and pains racking every inch of her body for hours and hours and hours.  And even when she gets the good drugs they have to inject it into her spine.  Yeah.  Her spine.  How whack is that?  That's the ultimate slap in the face.  We are going to give you amazing drugs but to do it we have to jab this gigantic needle into your spine.  Yeah, she did that for you asshole.  Mostly for herself but also for you.  Think about that.
     She supported your ass for 18 years.  That's a long time.  And it cost a lot of money.  Think about you spend to live for one month.  Now multiply that by 12.  Then multiply that by 18.  Yeah, that's a lot of money.  And she might have had to do that for multiple kids.  So think about that.  Food.  Housing.  Transportation.  Toys.  School supplies.  Sketchers and a sweet skateboard.  Probably a car.  All that stuff she provided for you.  For all that time.  I bet you never thought about that.  So think about it now and get out your calculator.  
     She supported you in other ways too.  She drove you to ice skating practice every morning at 6 am.  She sat through countless awful school plays and musicals for years.  And believe me, your fourth grade Xylophone Musical Spectacular wasn't as spectacular as you thought it was.  But she sat through it.  She put your shitty artwork up on the fridge and adored it.  But you never said thank you.  She sat through the rain at your Senior Night football game to watch you play on two kickoffs and a punt return.  She came to your ballet recital to watch you come on stage once as a part of a chorus line.  She did it all because she loves you and you are her child.  So you totally owe her for that.  Because she was there for you.
     So do what you can for mom.  Get her some flowers.  Chocolates.  Go visit her.  Call her on the phone if you live far away.  Because mom deserves it.  She is a special lady and she has given and given for you.  Just honor her, because she deserves it.  It's the least that you can do.

Happy Mother's Day Mom!  Thanks for everything.  I love you tons!

And Happy Mother's Day to all the other mothers out there.  You are great!

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