Sunday, May 18, 2008

Things Are Getting a Little Hairy

     Hello Company, we need to talk about hair.  Specifically, body hair.  I've got a problem with body hair.  So do you.  We all do.  Because every one of us shaves, waxes, sculpts, or does something to altar the state of our body hair situation.  Except for Grizzly Adams maybe.  But I really do suspect that he did some sort of personal grooming.  I mean, he had that gigantic beard but I am willing to bet that his back was smooth as Robin Williams in Cadillac Man.  Wax city!  Or at least I would guess that he was getting rid of some sort of uni-brow with a disposable Bic.  And it gets old.  You can't tell me that a bikini wax is something that anyone looks forward to.  I don't even look forward to shaving my face, and that pales by comparison.  I haven't shaved for a week because I am growing a beard.  I just made that up.  I'm not growing a beard.  I am just too lazy to shave my face.  Or my head.  That's why I am growing my hair out.  LIES!  I just haven't wanted to take care of it.  See what body hair can do to a person?  It can turn even the most docile person into a hairy, uncomfortable a%$&hole.  
     So you can see the problem.  We all have unwanted body hair; and we all don't want to have to deal with it.  As far as I can see there are really two options.  The first is to change social norms to make body hair more appropriate.  We could just have a vast, unprecedented shift in social norms so that moustaches on girls are as sexy as ones on boys.  So that back hair implants are the new Botox.  Believe me, nothing would make me happier than if fat, bald, and hairy was the new tall, dark, and handsome.  But we both know that that is not going to happen anytime soon.  There is always going to be that one numbnuts who is sneakily clipping his moustache hairs with a cuticle scissors in the corporate bathroom after the 10:30 am budget meeting.  So I don't think that changing society is going to be the most fruitful of decisions.  That's why I advocate we turn to the same place we turn to solve all of our problems: technology.
     We live in the most technologically advanced society in the history of the Earth.  We have put a man on the moon.  We have mapped the human genome.  We have places that will deliver Chinese food right to your home.  So how is it that all we have come up with for hair removal is wax and sharp things?  That's just not right.  If there are doctors and clinics that can remove hair follicles from one part of your head and move them to another part of it, why can't they just have an operation that simply takes the follicles away and throws them in the trash?  Or why couldn't we donate them once they are removed?  We can make it part of the Locks for Love program.  Let's get on this.  If Revlon can spend $24.4 million dollars on research and development in 2007 don't you think that they could have come up with something for permanent hair removal?  Researchers at the University of North Carolina - Charlotte received a government grant of $100,384 to research making medicine for weaning piglets from soybeans.  Don't you think that that money would be better spent trying to figure out how to permanently remove my back hair.  I mean other then falling backwards shirtless into a campfire.  Seriously.  The LAPD receives money to improve community relations within the City of Los Angeles.  Why not spend that money on uni-brow prevention?  That will improve a lot of relations.  Just a thought.  
     So let's everyone get on it.  Because I am tired of shaving my face.  And the ladies are tired of shaving their legs.  And their armpits.  And bleaching their moustaches.  And pruning their eyebrows.  The other day a friend of mine was complaining about having hair on the top of her feet.  Come on!  No one should have to live like that.  As a society we should have long ago moved past intentionally cutting off parts of our body with sharp thing, or intentionally putting scalding hot substances on ourselves.  Although Nair is pretty cool.  But anyway, we should be beyond that.  And since out eyes and fingertips and fashion magazines won't let hair be hot, let's do some social good and have science fix it for us.  I think that that is more important than figuring out how to make out TV pictures look better.  And it's probably more lucrative

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