Thursday, May 08, 2008

Your Second Honeymoon

   I am not married.  But I do know a thing or two.  And one of those things is that you can't have a second honeymoon without having a second marriage. 
     It's not so much the idea of the second honeymoon that I am against.  If you are in a marriage and it's been years and things are starting to get a little stale, by all means go ahead and try to pump a little life into your relationship.  That's cool.  I am all for that.  I want your marriage to be a success.  I want you to be happy for the rest of your years together.  But let's call a spade a spade.  You are not taking a second honeymoon.  You are taking a vacation without the kids.
First of all, it is not a honeymoon.  A honeymoon is called as such because it comes right after the marriage, when life is still a lark.  You are still madly in love (hopefully), still hot for each other (hopefully), and life is still full of possibilities.  It's called a honey moon because life is still sweet.  But you don't take a second honeymoon when things are going well.  You go when your relationship has gone to shit.  Things are not sweet anymore.  You can barely stand each other (probably), you think about your secretary when you're doing it (or your mechanic), and most of the excitement of life has passed or is in the process of passing you by.  That is not a sweet situation.   But you remember what things used to be like and you think you aren't too far gone, so you stash the kids at Uncle Clint's and bolt for Vermont for the weekend.  Which brings me to my second point.
   You don't go to the same places for your second honeymoon as you did for your first one.  And you don't do the same things.  On your honeymoon you go somewhere sweet, usually tropical.  Saint Somewhere.  Or maybe Niagara Falls.  And it's all a waste because you see a lot more of the ceiling of your hotel room than you do of the Jamaican surf.  So really what you should do is go somewhere that paints murals on the ceiling, maybe a nice fresco.  But honestly, for your first honeymoon you blow the wad and go to Hawai'i, Rome, Las Vegas, maybe Aspen if you are into skiing.  Not on your second honeymoon.  You go somewhere lame and nearby.  Maybe Maine if you live in New England because there is lobster there.  Some bed and breakfast in the Great Smoky Mountains if you live in Georgia because the colors are changing.  Portland, Oregon because of the great museums.  Albuquerque for the big balloon festival.  Which is fine but none of those things are sexy.  None of them at all.  Unless you get your jollies off multi-colored fabric filled with hot air, in which case you should be spending all that second honeymoon money to have a professional doctor ask you questions about your relationship with your mother.  That's the thing.  You don't go on a second honeymoon to hump in a different area code, you go there because there is something to do.  And maybe in that doing something other than the usual you remember how fun your marriage is.  Plus, you get to get away from the kids.  
   And there is the third reason that a second honeymoon is nothing but a vacation.  It's just a vacation from the kids.  Half the time it has nothing to to with you and your wife or you and your husband not liking each other anymore.  It's about having a chance to get tender without the little ones hearing.  Never mind that your kids are like 23, 20, and 17 now and that they are humping everything that comes by the house while you are watching CSI:Miami.  You still don't want them to hear you creating their new sister; just like they don't want to hear it.  So you snake off to Lake Tahoe to have some alone time.  Or maybe it isn't about coupling.  Maybe you are just tired of hearing that your son Kenny can't make jazz band, or that your daughter Mindy heard from Jenny who heard from Heather who saw Serena at the mall with Josh who goes to the next high school over.  I get it.  Your kids suck.  I don't even like being around them for the 62 seconds that they are bagging my groceries with the other White Shirts.  I can't even imagine having to live with them for a decade and a half.  So I can't blame you for wanting a weekend without them.  But don't cloak it in second honeymoon dress.  Just be like "We are going on vacation and you little bastards can't come."  
   And really, that's all there is to it.  If you take your little vacation and you still can't stand each other, get a divorce, meet someone at a life insurance seminar, fall in love, and get remarried; then and only then can you have a second honeymoon.  It's that simple.  Or if you are a hardcore religious Mormon man and you take a second wife, then you can have a second honeymoon.  If you still love your wife, and aren't into polygamy, but you are still dead set on having a second honeymoon, then divorce your wife and remarry her right away.  That's fine too.  But otherwise enjoy your vacation.

1 comment:

KingBobb said...

"And in other news, it seems a rash of divorces and remarriages have hit mainstream America. All apparently stemming from one madman in the Attic. A hilarious madman, but a madman nonetheless. More on this and other breaking news, at eleven."