Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Naming Rights

     Sometimes in life we have to talk about people who suck.    Truly awful people, or maybe good friends who at that particular moment simply do not deserve to be called by their given name.  Not even by their regular nicknames.  It's at these times that the art of creating the horribly demeaning, completely inappropriate generic name is useful.  And we here at Big Dave and Company are going to help you with this hilarious and therapeutic device.  You know, as a public service or something.  
     One of the most important aspects of the temporary nickname is to fit it to the mood and audience of the room.  At first this might take some conscious effort on your part, but in time it will just sort of happen automatically.  For instance, if you are with your fiancees parents, and they are humorless Mormon farmers, it might not be a good idea to break out the hilarious temporary nickname.  Enough said.  But if you are around some adults who aren't so much into swears or sexual innuendo, you will not want to bust out one of the old standbys like nut-rag or ass-face.  For the more uptight crowd, something like apple-peeler or chicken-toe.  It's not so great but if you come upon a silly enough combination it can be a crowd pleaser no matter who the audience.
     There are three main methods for creating the temporary nickname.  Feel free to use any method that you want.  The second two take a little bit of planning ahead, and work very well when talking about a close friend that you like to belittle at every chance you get.  We will get to those shortly.  But the method that gets used by far the most is the random method.
     The completely random method is fairly straightforward.  You simply string together one of three strings of words:
     -  the first two nouns that pop into your head (ass-plow, purse-brow, or couch-leaf),
     -  the first noun and first verb to pop into your head (nose-bang, train-boil, dick-paint),
     -  The fist noun and the first verb with -er added to the end of it to pop into your head.  This is often the best (hair-drinker, ass-beater, face-creamer, nut-wanderer).  Honestly, this is the one that we here at Big Dave and Company use the most, and odds are it is the one that you are going to use the most as well.  It is going to be the easiest and most hilarious to come up with in a split seconds notice.  And they are usually the funniest in a very funny genre to begin with.
     The second option is a premeditated noun-verb combination.  The easiest way to get a big effect with this method is to use an inappropriate body part combined with a verb ending in -er, much as described above.  Usually that verb will be "eater."  Names like ass-eater or dick-pincher or face-miner all work.  But usually anything ending with "eater" will be a hit.  Slang nouns are okay too, don't forget that.   Trust us, it's great.  And the best part?  The more obscure and less sensical the better and more hilarious.  The farther out of left field the better most of the time with this genre.
     Same with the third method, the premeditated dual noun method.  This is our favorite premeditated method for making a temporary nickname.  The possibilities are endless.  There are something like 53,000 nouns in the English language (which I feel privileged to destroy on this blog on a daily basis) and they are all fair game.  Even the irregular plurals.  Just try it, it's easy.  Two random nouns.  Nut-face.  Boat-cord.  Dip-screen.  Spam-monkey.  Now that's a good one.  Sometimes you have to try a few in your head or on your blog before you hit on a winner.  But the beauty of this method is that you have time to find an amazing combination.  You can craft something legendary.  If the random method is the quick fire, pistol shots of temporary nicknames, the premeditated dual noun is the atom bomb.  Hit your target square with a perfect one and there is no comeback.
     Now, once you get the hang of the temporary nickname you can start making combinations with them.  Huge long strings of stressed, beautifully crafted, debilitating taunts.  But they can be simpler.  The most famous example is from the movie Office Space when Mike Bolton calls Michael Bolton a "no-talent ass clown."  Classic.  And hilarious.  These combinations can be festively sprinkled throughout your daily life and conversation like so much birthday confetti.  Like any temporary nickname or description they can be a head turner, you can even elicit a double take.  Or at least a sly grin.  
     So there you are.  You've been prepped on the greatness that is the temporary nickname.  Use it liberally on your enemies, friends, family.  Whomever.  But use it responsibly.  Only bust one out in appropriate circumstances, and in appropriate company.  You don't want to become a social pariah because you called your mother-in-law's cousin Turd Herder and she took exception.  That's not cool.  But if you call your best friend Condom Wrangler at his bachelor party, you will go down in the history books.  Even if it's just your book.

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