Monday, May 19, 2008

The Naked Truth

    People like to get naked.  That is the conclusion that I have come to.  I am not talking about getting naked when it's time to be tender with your significant other.  That is totally understandable.  But the nakedness that I am worried about manifests itself in everyday life.  And the worst part is that it's never the people that you want to see naked that are getting naked.
     I don't understand it.  I don't like to be naked.  I always have some sort of clothes on.  Even in the shower I wear a hooded sweatshirt and a fedora.  In fact, I am finding out that the older I get the more I cover myself with.  I used to wear shorts and a t-shirt all the time.  Now it's more like shorts and a sweatshirt, or a t-shirt and jeans.  It's like I passed some sort of threshold and the percentage of my body that needs to be under wraps went up.  Kind of like cooking time goes up when you get to a higher altitude.  So I don't get the naked phenomenon.  But you see signs of it everywhere.  EVERYWHERE.
     Don't believe me?  Turn on your to to MTV, which incidentally is the root of all evil.  But seriously, take out your ruler and protractor and TI-86 graphing calculator and you will find that there is more skin showing than designer clothes.  Low cut jeans.  Low cut shirts.  Even those little socks that don't come up over the tops of your shoes are in on the act.  And as you know, what appears on MTV eventually shows up in every Omaha, Nebraska and Mussel Shoals, Alabama.  And everywhere in between.  So now every Heather and Kayla and Sarah is wearing jeans that they shouldn't be wearing and shirts that I'd rather they not be wearing.  And let's be honest.  It's not that they are following the latest trends.  It's just that the latest trends have tapped into the fact that they just plain want to be naked.  But if they are naked they can't go into 7-Eleven or Blockbuster.  So they are the next best thing.  But I am not saying that it's MTV's fault.  Because there is somewhere even more blatant that you find our deep seated desire to be naked: sports.  
     Not all sports.  You don't see anyone parading around half naked at a tennis match, or an NBA game.  But I challenge you to turn on a football game or NASCAR race without seeing some hairy, shirtless retard with something painted on his man boobs.  NASCAR I can sort of understand.  You are sitting on top of your RV on the infield, people are paying attention to all the commotion around you, and all that heat is radiating up off the asphalt.  Plus the hundred thousand running engines surrounding you don't help.  But that doesn't make it right.  Listen, climb down off your Winnebago and fetch your Skid Row t-shirt off the keg and put it on.  Because the only thing worse than those near-Daisy Dukes cutoff Wranglers you are wearing is the fact that there is nothing between the belt buckle and your mullet.  At least wear a tank top, because the world doesn't want to see your nipples displayed on Fox.  I am sure they have some sort of info graphic about that stuff too, I don't know.  I don't usually watch NASCAR.  But I do watch a lot of football.  Both college and the NFL.  And it's just as bad there.  Actually, it's worse.  Because okay, you see some yahoos in Tampa and San Diego in August without a shirt.  I believe that it's hot in that situation.  Especially with 75,000 people wedged into like two acres of space.  But still, if you live in Buffalo and it's December and you aren't wearing at very least a poncho like Dingo and I bought for Duke, then you have problems.  You don't need to paint your chest green with a "4" on it in yellow because you love Brett Favre.  You 
can buy his jersey in the gift shop.  Which at a professional stadium is called a pro shop; don't even get me started on that business.  Seriously though, the only place that you should be running around with your shirt of is at the beach.  So if you want to paint your chest for a sporting event learn to like beach volleyball.  That's just the way it should be.
      And unfortunately it doesn't end there.  Think about those people who streak at football games, Presidential speeches, baptisms, wherever.  Because we love being naked.  What about that creepy neighbor who is always wandering around without clothes and without closing his shades?  Because we love being naked.  The baby that always sheds his diaper.  Because we love being naked.  It's deeply embedded in our DNA.  It may lie a little deeper in some of us, but it's still there.  And that's the naked truth.

1 comment:

KingBobb said...

When I first started reading this, I thought that it was a reference to Mr. Nataniel's butt cheeks out at all times. Then there was a lot about sports and naked men which made me lose interest. Then there was mention of baptismal streakings and I was hooked again. Have you ever considered going into info-mercials? 'Cause that's the kind of mentality that they're looking for. Hook 'em, string them along with stuff that they don't really care about, set the hook so they can't look away. I give you props, sir. Well played.