Friday, May 02, 2008

Graduation Weekend

I live in a college town. I hate to admit it but it's the truth. It's not a large town in the grand scheme of things to begin with, and right smack dab in the middle of it sits a university filled with a mixture of commuters, locals who live on campus, and students from far, far away. And it is these kids and their families that will cause me no end of trouble this weekend. Because it's graduation weekend, and they will all be in town. And none of them know what is going on, or where anything is, or what they are doing. And it's truly awful.
I used to be one of those people, so I always had some degree of patience and understanding for these people. Plus, I understand that much of my town's economy in the summer is dependent of tourism. But on graduation weekend it gets to be so much that I can't stand it. It drives me nuts. If it wasn't for the 5-day waiting period, I am pretty sure that every year I would be up on top of the nearest bell tower picking off anyone with out-of-town plates. Seriously. It is not hard to get around this town, everything is in grid format. And there are like three main streets. So I don't know why you never know when to turn. Oh, and you have someone with you who had lived here for at least two years. So why don't you let them drive? I mean come on dad, let your college ages daughter drive the giant SUV to The Portside downtown. She will know where to go, where to park, and what time to go. I know that you are the patriarch and that she doesn't usually drive an SUV. But she just got done with COLLEGE. She is about to have an advanced degree. I am sure she can figure out how to drive it. And besides, I am sure that the spikey-haired douchebag wearing a Fubu shirt who took her home from the bar last night had a brand new SUV that his parents just bought him, so she probably knows the interior awfully well. Well, probably just the back seat.
Also, I don't want to hear you bitch. It's true. Your child is living in a shithole. This is a college town. All of the apartments near the school are pretty much carved up 100 year old houses. They are homespun. And you are paying way more for rent than you should be. But that's how it is. The stairs are narrow. The walls aren't straight. And they are tiny. Just deal with it. You are only going to be there for a couple of hours anyway. Don't feel bad for your kids for living there either. Because they don't care. They are only there for a small percentage of their day anyway. And most of that time they are either a.) drunk b.) passed out c.) sleeping. So they don't even notice that their apartment is a piece of crap. And they don't need you reminding them.
Please don't rip on my town either. I know it's not the high dollar, soulless big city suburb that you live in, where everything looks the same and there are salt boxes and 7-11's as far as the eye can see. I love my town because it has character. Funky buildings, quirky stores, beautiful scenery and some delapidation. That's the greatest part of it. Your plastic suburban neighborhood is like the face of a celebrity. It looks pretty good but it is fake, all plastic surgery and makeup. And undernieth it is deeply dysfunctional. But my town is like the face of the long time drunk. Sure it might not be the most classically beautiful, but all the scars and stories and history are right out there in the open for everyone to see. It's interesting. And if you don't like it you can suck me sideways.
So yeah, I don't like graduation weekend because we are inundated with out-of-towners. I am sorry. That's just the way it is. I survive though. Early this morning I went outside and said goodbye to the outdoors. Because I am pretty much going to be holed up in my penthouse apartment overlooking the harbor until late Sunday, probably Monday morning. Because by then everyone will be gone. I will close my shades and lock my door. As additional protection I usually build a fort in my living room out of couch cushions, cardboard boxes, pillows, and blankets with a sign hanging from it that says "No Fat Chicks." It's pretty much impenetrable. And it not only will it keep me safe from the yahoos it will keep them safe from me. I have stocked up on Spaghetti O's, Little Debbie Zebra Cakes, and Faygo Red Pop and I hunkered down like it's the end of the world. Or a really bad snowstorm. Either way I am not going out because nothing good will come of it. I will snap and then I will be in jail and quite frankly, I am too beautiful to go to jail. So I am just going to lay low. It's for the public good. I might go out in the kayak but only if I can escape in the early morning before people wake up. And even then I will have to go way deep into the woods. Because I would rather deal with a pissed off bear just out of hibernation than deal with out-of-towner parents. Because the bear is just dangerous. The other crowd is dangerous and annoying. Besides, you can ever be too safe. Especially on graduation weekend.


SandRiverGuy said...

i hear you there big guy. its not much to ask learn to drive or get rammed by some old ass rusty truck with a redneck chewing skoal and drinking beer or STAY THE FUCK OUT OF TOWN WHEN I NEED TO GO THERE YOU ARKANSAS ONTARIO KENTUCKY PILE OF BULLLLLLLLSHIT!!!!!! FUCK YOU AND YOUR DRIVING SKILLS I DONT COME TO YOUR TOWN AND ACT LIKE A TOTAL FUCKING MORON!

Alicia said...

There is one week worse than graduation weekend...when the dorms open in August. If you want to go out to eat, drive, or enjoy living you better forget it. It is the weeks before and after these two events that always made me appreciate being a Marquette resident.

Big Dave said...

Alicia, that is a great point. I hadn't even thought of that. I am sure I would have come August though.