Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Dissing the Competition

Jim Koski sucks.  I am sorry.  But that is just how I feel.  I am sure that he is a very nice man.  I am sure that he is a very responsible member of the community.  Hell, I would guess that he is an excellent father too.  I don't know him at all, but it wouldn't surprise me one bit if all of those statements were true.   But he still sucks.  I don't like him as a radio disc jockey.  (He's a radio disc jockey by the way.)  He is was too excited about everything.  Tomorrow's weather forecast isn't that exciting Jim, I don't care how many inches of snow we are going to get.  And when you are chatting it up with the people who call in and win contests you get extra geeky.  Like, super lame nerdy.  So stop being so excited.  It makes me want to turn you off.  You use the same voice on the radio for 5 hours straight that I use when talking to customers I hate at work.  It's fake and lame and it makes me both angry and disgusted at the same time.  But that's not why you suck.  You suck because you write a blog that is not mine.
Gilbert Arenas sucks.  I am sorry.  But that's just how I feel.  Don't get me wrong, he is a tremendous basketball player who could torch me at a game of one on one while pushing a wheelbarrow.  It would be like Custer's Last Stand but only if the soldiers ha
d been forced to fight with those styrofoam water noodles that you use at your neighbors pool instead of guns and knives.  Oh, and the soldiers wouldn't even have any of those connector pieces you can get for the noodles so that you can make cool stuff out of them either, they would just have the noodles. Yeah, it would be a massacre of that magnitude.  Plus, his
basketball number is 0.  Zero.  That's right.  Mine is 11.  Eleven.  One would think that that would make me eleven times better than he is, right?  Well no.  I contacted the mathematics department at
my local university and they told me that if you multiply any number by zero it makes zero.  So that means that there is no number you can multiply by his number (0) to make mine (11).  Not even eleventy billion.  So therefore I am infinitely better than he will ever be.  I am sorry Gilbert, but that's science and you can't 
argue with it.  A university professor told me it was true.  And they know everything.  Except not to wear sweater vests.  Now I know that people say that your blog is funny and that you have a cool nickname (Agent Zero, isn't it?  That's f-ing awesome!) and that you make kabillions of dollars in salary and endorsements that just about every girl who doesn't live in Afghanistan or under a rock somewhere wants you.  But you still suck because you write a blog that is not mine.  But I would totally let you guest blog any time you wanted.
Moby sucks.  I am sorry.  But that is just how I feel.  I have seen him on TV and he very articulate and intelligent.  He has Gwen Stefani's number in his Blackberry.  He makes tons of influential music that is actually very creative.  He can wear a pair
 of black eyeglasses like nobody's business.  He got a mention in an Eminem song.  You would think that you couldn't get cooler than that.  But he's not cool, is he?  No.  Not in my book. Honestly, he made techno music at one point in his career.  I heard him say it himself.  I don't care if he makes millions and is super creative and makes music and gets to travel all around the world.  He made techno.  That is inexcusable behavior.  Now all you Moby fans out there, all eight of you, are probably screaming
at me right now that his blog is great.  And you are going to tell me that his blog was recently chosen as one of the five best celebrity blogs by Forbes Magazine.  Ooohhh, I am so impressed.  Forbes Magazine also chose me as one of the five best blogs that are currently ripping on Moby, but you don't see me throwing that in anyone's face.  So come off it.  But Moby really just sucks for one reason.  He writes a blog that is not mine.
Tim Yang sucks.  I am sorry.  But that is just how I feel.  Everyone thinks he is so awesome because be was featured by Blogger as one of their blogs of note.  But I don't buy into that 
business one bit.  Because if he is so great, why isn't his blog open to everyone to read?  Is he putting secret personal information on
there?  And why can't he come up with a better name than Tim's
Journal?  Now I am sure that Tim Yang is a perfectly nice man.  Successful in his job and in life in general.  I am sure that he has a wonderful significant other.  Maybe a pet.  A nice apartment or home.  But still, he sucks.  I don't know anything about him other than his name and the name of his blog.  But I know he sucks.
Honestly, I don't have anything against any of these people personally.  I really don't.  But when you are in business you have to deal with the competition.  And I am in business.  The business of getting famous.  And I am dealing with my competition by trashing them.  Haven't you ever heard of negative advertising.  I don't want to destroy these people but I have to.  That's just how it goes.  So don't hate me.  And don't hate them.  But for goodness' sake, don't waste your time on their blogs.  That time would be better spent laying in the grass, or doing laundry, or volunteering at the Humane Society, or punching yourself in the Adam's apple (that one is for guys mostly), or leaving comments on my many cool posts.  So screw those guys and yay me.  Hey, I don't make the rules.  That's just how it has to be.

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