Friday, May 09, 2008

The American Community Survey

     The US Census Bureau is all up in my business.  I know, what's with that?  I recently received a survey from them that they supposedly sent out at random to households across America.  But I know a lot of random people who live all around the country - New York, California, Missouri, Wisconsin, Montana, Washington state - and none of them were chosen for the survey.  So I am pretty sure that the Department of Commerce has it in for me, and they are using the Census Bureau and their American Community Survey to bleed me of my personal information.  And I don't know why.
They asked me all sorts of information in their survey about my home.  Like, if I live in an apartment or condo or own my own home.  How old the building is, how many units there are, etc, etc.  Why do they need to know that?  You don't see me calling them up and asking them about their office building, do you?  How many offices are there?  How many drinking fountains?  Does it comply with the Americans with Disabilities Act?  No, because I don't care a whole lot.
     They also are really concerned if I have a job or not.  They are asking if I've worked in the last year, how much I made in that time, what my job was.  Come on!  Why don't you just call your buddies over at Internal Revenue?  I am pretty sure that I just filed my taxes recently.  So I know that they have all that information.  So go ask them.  And you want to know if I've been in school in the last 3 years?  Go ask your cronies at the Department of Education.  See if I have any student loans outstanding.  Because no one can afford to go to school without a loan anymore.  So go ask them.  Talk amongst yourselves and share what you know.  That's how the rest of us do it.  If I want to know about the hot new girl at school, I go ask around about her behind her back.  I don't send her a "random" survey.  It just doesn't work that way.  Or go ask the White Shirts, they are looking through my groceries and I am sure they can tell you a lot.
     Seriously Census Bureau, I know that you are one of the nosiest government agencies.  And that's fine.  If this was a year ending in zero I wouldn't worry so much.  Because that is when you are supposed to be nosy.  But you are supposed to spend the next nine years crunching through all my answers to your questions.  That's how it works.  So don't come bothering me three quarters of the way between census'.  I briefly thought about not returning the survey but apparently it is against the law to not return it.  I see how it is now.  I am on to you US Commerce Department.  You can't ask the other departments in government about my income or education, but you can send 38 FBI Green Berets plowing through my front door because I didn't tell you when I moved into my apartment?  That's messed up.  But in the end I answered their survey, mostly because it was all harmless information.  Plus, I sort of like taking government and non-profit surveys.  It makes me feel special.  Like, in the non-helmet sort of way.  So I sent it off back to the Census Bureau secret laboratory in Jeffersonville, Indiana.  But I am thinking...I should move to a new apartment and get a new job so it's all incorrect information by the time they open it.  That will show them.

1 comment:

KingBobb said...

I'm pretty sure that that would NOT, in fact, show them. And now that you've let your methods slip about learning about the hot new girl at whereever you are, all the hot girls that you know are going to go around behind your back and find out if you were spying on them. And when I tell them that you were, they'll probably beat you with a sock full of oranges.