Monday, April 28, 2008

'Zoo Animals

AND WE'RE BACK!  I hope that everyone had a wonderful weekend while I was away.  I certainly did.  And boy what a trip it turned out to be.  Between the parties and dinners and comings and goings I swear those people are going to kill me.  But it's okay, because I got to see a lot of wonderful people that I had not seen in years, and I got to meet a bunch more.  And I had a great time.  Here are some highlights.  Or lowlights.  I'll leave it up to you.
- Attempting to pay someone else's phone bill and not succeeding.  I don't know what's wrong with Nextel, but I have never run into a company who made it so hard for me to give them money.  Most companies don't care who pays their customers' bills, but not Nextel.  Paying a bill with them is like doing a scavenger hunt on a ropes course while delivering a baby and getting paper cuts on the soles of your feet, right in the arches.  Yeah, it's that fun.  Oh, and they had two different systems for paying in the two different cities I tried in.  Genius!
-  Getting free beer.  PePe's mom and stepdad showed up a her house with a cooler full of beer.  How awesome is that?  Happy Graduation PePe.  They also brought a bunch of food, including THE BEST CHICKEN SALAD THAT HAS EVER BEEN PLACED INSIDE MY MOUTH.  Hand to God.
- Getting good gifts.  PePe got Prince perfume.  I have never seen her go that ballistic.  Good job Booh.  You picked out the perfect thing for her.  We probably should have disabled the sprayer though until we left.  It's cool that PePe wants to smell like a skanky whore from the shores of Lake Minnetonka, but I don't.  And the whole room doesn't need to. Anyway, she also got a wonderful potted plant and a Walgreens gift card that she was geeked about, and put to good use.  Which leads me to my next point...
- Buying huge white gang-style t-shirts at Walgreens.  Apparently that's what gangs around there are wearing.  Now nothing is huge on me, but it was big on my friend.  And I am sure she's wearing it all around town at night.  BRILLIANT!
- Possible gunshots.  Booh and I decided that we didn't want to go to the after party on Saturday because, well, because we are like old people apparently.  But she didn't want to be alone at PePe's apartment so I said I'd stay with her for a while.  So we put in a movie and she falls asleep.  And she was amazing.  She would be snoring one minute, and then I'd get up out of the recliner and she'd say "You're not leaving, are you?"  I don't know how she did it.  She will be a great mom because her kids won't be able to get away with shit.  She has some sort of supersonic beyond mechanical hearing.  Anyway, as I am changing the movie I hear a series of pops and bangs from a few blocks away.  And since I can't tell if they are fireworks or gunshots, I kept staying.  Then, just when I was finally falling asleep on the floor next to the bed, Nick came home and scared the bejesus out of me.  Oh well.  All's well that ends well I guess.
- Ultimate Macaroni and Cheese.  I did not get the Ultimate Macaroni and Cheese.  I am an idiot.  My sandwich was delicious, but that Ultimate Mac and Cheese looked absolutely orgasmic.  And I am sure if you ask anyone who got it they would agree it almost was.  Picture this: 24 month old aged white cheddar, applewood smoked bacon, spinach, caramelized onions, and breadcrumbs.  Yes.  YES! Y-E-S spells yes.  But I've got this weird thing where I can't get the same thing as someone else I am dining with, so I didn't get it.  And it haunts me.  Oh well, I would have rather had peas than spinach.  That's a lie.  I am just trying to move on.
- Listening to grandmas tear the restaurant a new one.  Now this is funny.  It was a wonderful restaurant with an outstanding ambiance and menu, but it is very much geared to a younger crowd.  So you could see this coming from a mile away.  I like both of the Grandmas well enough, but it was hilarious to hear them going on about the food and the bread and the sun and the whole nine yards.  Booh did a stand up job of dealing with it for the sake of the greater good.   But I thought it was funny.
- The 15 person gang bang going on next door.  Now, I didn't not experience this personally, but apparently while we were upstairs partying PePe's neighbor Steve was out on his front porch (we had been out there for pretty much the whole evening before that, it was awesome!) just hanging out when two elderly ladies came over and told him that there was a girl getting gang banged by 14 guys.  Why would you tell someone that?  Especially a stranger in the neighborhood who was just minding his business on his front porch?  That's messed up.  Especially coming from two elderly ladies.  Anyway, they go away and then come back a short time later screaming at Steve to call the police because someone hit someone else.  So Steve calls the po-po and when they roll up, everyone scatters, leaving Steve to sit in the back of the squad car and chat with the police.  Ahhh, classic.  So needless to say he was stressed out and made his way upstairs with us.  Which is cool because Steve is cool.  And we are cool.  What more can you want?
- Ghetto hotel.  Okay, it wasn't really in the ghetto.  It was more like in an industrial park. Way at the edge of town.  And the hotel itself (well, it was a motel) was fitting.  It lived down to every one of the $31 per night I paid.  When I got there, there were no towels in my room.  And no alarm clock.  And only 25 channels.  Which is all fine.  But it was just weird.  I pull in and the first thing I see is an '84 Cadillac Fleetwood Brougham in like a lurid goldish-yellow with huge spinners and lots of bling.  So I sort of guess that the white girl who thinks she is a southern black woman working behind the front desk to be driving it.  Nope.  It was the 50-something super skinny Vietnam Vet maintenance man.  Stuff like that.  Also, I am pretty sure that people in the next room, the family in the next room, actually were living there.  They had an awful lot of cars and I heard their bratty kids outside the door screaming about going into the "apartment" and then slamming the door.  Housekeeping seemed to like slamming doors too for some reason.  All in all it was an odd place.  Oh, and I think there were a couple of um, how do you say...Ladies of  the Night? using it as a home base.  Yeah.  But I made it through with my health and sanity and all my belongings so I guess I shouldn't complain.
-  Meijer.  I like Meijer.  For those of you who don't know what Meijer is, it's like a Wal-Mart or a K-Mart, but it's basically a Lower Peninsula of Michigan chain.  Which is fine.  But when you are wandering an eleventy-billion square foot store with which you are not familiar at 5:30 in the morning looking for a toothbrush and a single bar of soap and you can't find it you will curse and swear.  I know I was.  I think I was crying a little bit too.  Whimpering at least.  Good thing that there was nobody within 14 miles of me to hear me. It's a pretty sweet toothbrush though.
-  Taking a shower in PePe's bed.  Not intentionally though.  The stereo is in the bedroom and we were pumping tunes and people were dancing.  Well, the drunken girls and a couple drunken guys were.  Which is cool.  But I was not.  I am a fat white boy from Wisconsin.  We don't dance.  Maybe at a wedding after enough drinks, but that's about it.  Otherwise we look like Mark Madsen celebrating his NBA championship.  Not a pretty sight.  So I was sitting on the bed trying to look cool in front of the girls.  That's what we do.  Well anyway, the girls were drunk and stumbly and wanting to jump on the bed, which is fine.  But their drinks, water and boxed wine and goodness knows what else showered down upon me.  And the bedspread.  And the mattress.  And the floor.  I wonder if PePe knows that.  Well, if she didn't she does now.  Sorry dear.
- Learning that apple compote is a pancake topping.  We were eating breakfast at this sweet buffet inside the Radisson (which was awesome but had a ritzy feeling about it that made me feel under dressed) and I saw it and wanted to try it.  PePe decided to tell me that it was a pancake topping after I had taken a big bowl.  Oh well.  Egg on my face figuratively and in my belly literally.  And some apple compote.  And some great hashbrowns.  And amazing bacon. 
- Hanging out with Hardcore.  I took some time on Sunday to meet with Hardcore and it was great.  I miss that kid and I had fun.  We did lunch and hung out at his place, which is devoid of furniture.  I found that funny but not really the least bit odd.  Good times though. 
-  Hanging out with Pepe and Nick and Booh and Susan and all the rest of their friends.
Those last two points are by far the best part of the whole weekend.  They always show me a great time when I go down there and I can't thank them enough.  I guess you never realize just how much you miss people until you see them again.  It's strange.  But it was a great weekend and I would like to think we celebrated appropriately for PePe's graduation.  Congratulations dear and I am terribly proud of you.  I just need to go father some kids so you can teach them now.  

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