Sunday, April 06, 2008

Saving Duke Manchap

     Poor Duke.  He is on a long weekend at his ancestral home in Lower Michigan with the future wife and The Ginger Child.  That is not the bad part.  The bad part is the why.  He ventured below The Bridge for some sort of shower.  It's either a late baby shower put on by his mother for them (The Ginger Child is still a newborn) or an early bridal shower for Duke's fiancee.  And in the end it doesn't matter.  Because poor Duke is stuck at a shower.  Boys should not be subjected to that type of shower.  They should never be AT a shower, they should only be IN a shower.  And let's make sure we are in a shower every day guys, just because we are manly doesn't mean that we can't be hygienic.  But yeah, boys should never have to participate in a baby or bridal shower.  It doesn't matter if it's their sister-in-law's bridal shower.  It doesn't matter if it's a baby shower for your sister.  It doesn't matter if it's a baby shower for the boy and his lady friend.  The male shouldn't have to be subjected to that.  Showers are in the same category as Partylite, candle, Tupperware, sex toy, fashion, bachelorette, and Arbonne parties.  They are giant pools of estrogen that straight males can never hope to escape.  Boys should no more be subjected to them than girls should be subjected to fantasy baseball draft parties or a bachelor party weekend or a three-day weekend beer tasting tour that's held at a football stadium during the season hosted by single pornstars (just the mere thought of that makes me weep because I know that it will never happen).  A firm line really should be drawn in our society, and the thought of poor Duke being drug across that line to sit on a frilly couch and be all excited about a blue footy pyjama pantsuit with a butterfly on it for The Ginger Child while eating cucumber sandwiches makes my heart ache and my testicles recede up into my body.
     Now, before we despair too much, there is still hope for Duke.  I know that he fought the good fight.  Guys, it's simple.  Do everything possible to get out of the upcoming shower.  It's pretty easy when it's a bridal shower for your future bride.  But your lady friend may try to drag you to a bridal shower for someone else.  Don't go.  Weasel your way out of it.  You may have to pay for a little while, with some silence and no sex, but in the long run both you and your lady friend will be better off for your not going.  If you have to go, as might be the case with a terribly overbearing ladyfriend, or with a baby shower that is being thrown for your child, just hope that the other men in your life come to the rescue in an appropriate way.
     There are appropriate and inappropriate ways to rescue a guy in Duke's situation.  First of all, guys, if your friend is in the situation, don't rush to join them.  It's bad enough to lose one, we don't need to lose two.  Only go in in support if the situation is right.  Only go in if you think the two of you can escape to the kitchen or something.  Because two of you sitting on the frilly couch dying inside is no better than one of you.  The best way to save someone from the shower situation is through sheer numbers.  Get every male in the guy's family, every boyfriend, fiancee, husband, brother, father of every girl that's going to the shower and get them all to band together.  Then you can use the pressure of the big group to get the girls to let you go to the bar or the garage or a construction site or anywhere other than the shower.  It's kind of like fighting a lot of flames with a lot of water.  The sheer number of the males banded together give you all the best chance to avoid the estrogen-laden whirlpool that is trying to suck you in.  
     The other way to effectively help your buddy or relative survive a shower is to treat the shower like it's a snakebite.  And in a way it is.  It is a major, life changing, dangerous and potentially damaging event, but the sooner you get help afterwards the better your chance for survival and recovery.  If you get help right away you stand a decent chance of leading a normal life afterwards.  To, if you can't save the guy from the shower, give him lots of man-medical attention immediately afterward.  As soon as he walks out of the house, take him out for a beer.  Go watch the NASCAR race for a little bit.  Repair a bicycle.  Go hunting or fishing.  Do something to immediately to flush away the poisons.  I know that the Manchap family is using this strategy this weekend, as they had some hunting planned for today.  That's the right way to do it.  The first time Duke shoots something it will be like the poison has been sucked out of the snakebite.  And then he should be okay.
     So meanwhile, I feel for young Duke.  I hope that the men in his family banded together and had some quality time in the garage during the wedding or baby shower.  If not, I hope that they rolled up immediately afterward in a black van wearing ski masks, knocked his ass out, threw him in the van, and took him to a BW3 or a boxing match or a liquor store.  Well, they probably don't need to knock him out to kidnap him like that, but I just sort of think that that would be good for Duke.  But bottom line is I think that Duke will be fine, because we have learned from the mistakes of the past, and from the painful cries of our fallen comrades.  So let's have a moment of silence them.


Godspeed Duke. 

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