Monday, April 07, 2008

Posting a Reward

     I collect books like some people collect DVD's or little figurines of blue dolphins or key chains.  I have shelves and shelves of them and I have read almost all of them.  And when I loan them out (which I do semi-regularly) I generally remember who has them.  Like that the Stepmom has had The Punch for God knows how long.  And Peg-a-saurus Rex has had King Leopold's Ghost so long that she has actually accidentally sold it and bought it back.  And that's fine.  But recently a piece of my literary family has gone missing.  Salt: A World History by Mark Kurlansky is no longer on my bookshelf.  And it is not anywhere else in my apartment that I can find.  And it's not in my car.  And I cannot remember if I loaned it out to anyone or not.  So I am worried and sad about it.  
     It all started with the Dingo.  While playing cribbage at work Dingo decided that she wanted to play the card game euchre in a bad way.  So we rounded up some people who knew how to play euchre and made my way to my house with some beers and the like.  Well, as sometimes happens, we all were soon playing drinking games.  That's when Mikey asked where my salt book had gone.  I scanned the bookshelves and couldn't find it, but I didn't think a thing of it until we had finished whatever game we had been playing.  I actually got out of my chair and went to the shelves and worked my way through all of them and still couldn't find it.  That is when I lost my mind.
     Ever since then, for about the last month or so, I have been on a constant vigil for my lost book and I don't know why.  It doesn't effect my quality of life.  I am no worse off without it.  I mean, it's not like I am a paraplegic who just lost their wheelchair and who has to drag themselves around by their arms now.   It's just paper and ink bound together with glue.  And honestly, it's a book that has brought me constant ridicule actually.  But still, it is missing somewhere out there in the world and I don't know where.  And that makes me sad and angry and a little scared.  I contacted my local authorities about putting out some sort of Amber Alert type thing, or at least an APB, but they were not interested in helping me.  Nor was America's Most Wanted.  I even tried Craigslist and still couldn't raise a search party.  So I have continued  my fruitless search alone.  And it is getting discouraging.  So I have decided to adopt a bold plan to recover my salt book.
     First, I am offering a reward.  I am offering $3 for the successful return, in one piece, of Salt: A World History by Mark Kurlansky to me.  I will even sweeten the deal.  I will also make you a cake.  The type of cake is negotiable.  It can be cheesecake or chocolate cake or even white cake with the specks of color inside it.  I am open to suggestion.  But you get the cake IN ADDITION to the $3.  I don't know that I can think of a better reward.
     Second, I need to get my salt book onto milk cartons, like they used to do with missing kids back in the day.  But since they don't really do that so much anymore, especially since most milk comes in jugs, I will probably have to make up a whole bunch of stickers and just go to my friendly local grocery store, fight through the White Shirts, and apply them to every dairy product myself.  That way I can also capture the important and influential yogurt and cottage cheese demographic.  Plus, by labeling all the dairy products, my ads will also be seen by trash collectors and people who sort recyclables.  That's like doubling my audience for nothing.
     Third, I am going to call out the dogs.  I am sure that the local police and sheriff's office won't lend me their drug dogs, but I know a lot of people who have dogs as pets.  So what I will do is take the big pack of dogs up to the library, let them sniff a copy of the book, then sniff one of my socks or something to get my scent, and let them loose about the town.  They should lead me right to where the book is.  Now I can hear you saying "Big Dave, you are an idiot.  The only places that all those dogs are going to lead you are to fire hydrants, garbage cans, flower gardens, and the paths of oncoming cars."  Well I have only two responses to that Mr. Johnny Naysayer.  First, I guess that if that's true we will know that my salt book is not near any of those things, right?  So it was a worthwhile endeavor.  Second, that's not going to happen anyway.  Because I will just get the Dog Whisperer to talk to them first, so they will be all business.  How you feel about that Ms. Shelly McNofaith?
     So anyway, that's my plan to find my missing book.  If I happened to loan Salt: A World History to you then please let me know.  If that is the case, I will still give you the reward.  Otherwise, if you want to search for it in or about my apartment, just let me know.  If you want to search for it out and about in the world, then have at it.  There are $3 and a cake waiting for you if you are successful.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Two thoughts. One,Rat Dog is at your disposal. But, he's a dick and not like a helpful detective dick. More like a, "I found it, but instead of alerting anyone, I'm going to shred some Kleenex's out of the garbage even though there is no good reason to do so." But the option is there if you're interested. Secondly, if I went to the time and trouble to find another copy of a Salt: A World History, would I still be entitled to the cake and $3? 'Cause let's face it, no one turns down cake but Commies. And I ain't one of them.

Big Dave said...

Thanks Dude. I appreciate your support. And if you happen to find my copy of the salt book at a bookstore that makes you pay for it and then you ship it too me, well then who am I to say that you didn't find it. Right?
P.S. I know who you are, so why bother to continue to post as anonymous?

Anonymous said...

If you need help to find it just ask, I have my ways!!!