Monday, April 14, 2008

Gino's Performance Review

    I am an avid sports fan, but I take pains to spare most of you.  Because I know that a lot of you don't like sports.  Fine.  But there is an ongoing story in the baseball world that really has a large significance in the real world.  For those of you who don't know the New York Yankees, the evil empire of professional sports, is replacing their still profitable, charming, 85-year old gem of a stadium with an eleventy-billion dollar monstrosity.  Fine.  As would be expected for a project of this size, construction workers of every size and type are helping to build this stadium.  A construction worker named Gino Castignoli, who is a fan of the Yankees' bitter rival and the equally evil and annoying Boston Red Sox, who buried a Red Sox jersey (David Ortiz #34) in the concrete of the new Yankees Stadium in attempt to curse the Yankees.  That's awesome.  Amazingly great prank.  It would have been awesome.  Emphasis on the word "would." Because he screwed it up.  He told.  
     Okay, you've got me.  I can hear you saying it. "What's the good of pulling a prank if no one ever knows about it Big Dave?  You would have told too."  And you are right.  I would have told too.  But I would have waited until after the stadium was done being built.  Because then there is nothing that they could have done.  See, he came out and ran his mouth the day after.  And the Yankees sent some other workers out with jackhammers to break up the concrete and pull out the jersey.  Now, there is no curse. Unless it reverses against the Red Sox (which would be okay too because the Red Sox are just as awful).  So now there are no Red Sox jerseys buried in the new Yankee Stadium.  Because Gino Castingnoli is a loud-mouthed d-bag.  Sorry. 
     If you are going to do something as cool as trying to curse a Major League Baseball franchise you have to be a major leaguer yourself.  Gino obviously was not.  First of all, he allowed a while bunch of people, including one with a CAMERA to be present for the burial.  Bad move.  Unless it is a small group of trusted friends, or some other people involved in pulling the prank, you have to be alone.  You can't just allow there to be some other random people standing around.  That's all there is to it.  Because eventually it will burn you.  And it will burn this guy.  Now he has Hank Steinbrenner, who runs the Yankees and who really shouldn't even be allowed to speak in public EVER, on his ass and threatening a lawsuit (which is real classy by the way). That's karma kicking your ass Gino.  Having a bunch of New York construction workers around when you bury a red Sox jersey in the new Yankees Stadium is like deciding to cheat on your fiancee on top of the keg at a college kegger.  Not only are you going to end up single and in a heap of trouble, you are also going to end up on YouPorn by Monday morning.  Nothing good will ever come of it.      Now I hear some mumbles and grumbles out there about the camera issue.  If you are trying to tell me that you really should have a camera present so that once the stadium is built you can have some evidence that you actually pulled the prank.  Not true.  Because all you have to do is say that you did something, and have just a sliver of credibility, and the prank carries weight.  Tons of it.  All you have to do is say it and for the rest of eternity Yankees fans will blame it for things happening.  End of story.  If I am in a fraternity, and say that I buried my pledge pin under the bushes that were planted in front of the rival frat house, they will be nervous and when they get their charter revoked, they will blame you and your pledge pin.  It's sort of like when you want to mess with someone at work, and all you do is smirk at them wh
en then come back from break.  And when they ask you what you did you just say "Oh, you'll find out."  and they freak out all day long, waiting for the other shoe to drop.  But you didn't do anything whatsoever.  It's called psychological warfare.  And it's just as effective.  So what I am saying is you don't need the photographic evidence.  You just need people to think you do.  It's great.
     The absolute worst part of this whole buried jersey thing is the timing of it all.  Gino, nice prank.  Gino, bad timing.  I know that I already alluded to it.  But you absolutely keep your mouth shut until after the stadium is finished.  Then there is nothing that the Yankees can do about it.  They have no evidence against you for a possible lawsuit (still classless on the Yankees part).  All they have is wonder and paranoia.  And 
that's great.  And your beloved (yet still evil) Red Sox have something to lord over the Yanks for the rest of eternity.  Telling on the day of the prank is like going into a bank with  a pair of stockings over your head and an Uzi under your arm, robbing the shit out of the place for hundreds of thousands of dollars, then, before fleeing, walking up to the teller and asking to open a new savings account or buy some high yield bonds to hold your winnings.  It's stupid and nothing good will come of it.  And it pisses me off.  You've now ruined what is possible the greatest, one of the gustiest pranks in the history of prankdom because you couldn't keep your big, lame Bronx trap shut.  Gosh!  Sorry Gino.  But bury the jersey right and then we can bury the hatchet.  Terrible.  Absolutely terrible.  
     So anyhow, in the end, we can all learn something to from this.  It is a classic good-prank-gone-bad scenario.  So if you are planning on pulling your sweet non-April Fools prank, read up on this case study. Don't make the same mistakes.  Do it on the sly.  Preferably while wearing a ski mask.  Maybe while everyone else is glued to the TV so see the noon lottery draw. Enlist the only the smallest amount of help, and use only the most trustworthy cohorts.  Do background checks.  Interview them.  Make them fill out an application.  And keep your trap shut.  Get one of those S&M hoods with the zipper over the mouth.  Maybe have someone clock you in the jaw so it has to be wired shut.  Just be sure that you really like smoothies if you are going to go that route.  Maybe go into seclusion on a lonely desert isle in French Polynesia or maybe on Plum Island.  Because no one will want to go there.  Write to me and I will be happy to help you along your way.  Because I am always willing to support a good prank.  But only if it's done right.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I whole heartedly agree with your point of view on this matter. The guy made several obvious mistakes and he now looks like the dumbass that he really is. Speaking of pranks, maybe thats where your salt book went, a victim of a sad prank.