Tuesday, April 08, 2008

The Coconut Question

     There is a coconut sitting in the middle of my dining room table.  It hasn't always been there.  For a while it was on my kitchen counter.  It lived on my bookshelf for a couple of days (occupying the spot where Salt: A World History by Mark Kurlansky-which is subject to a $3 and cake reward-should be, but I digress) before making its way back to the table.  It actually served as the centerpiece of a dinner I had a couple of days ago.  The problem is, I don't quite know what to do with it.  David Nathaniel and his lovely new wife Chevy Orange (yeah, I called her Chevy Orange) were nice enough to bring it back from their wedding/honeymoon in Hawaii for me, amongst other things.  And they were nice enough to remove the large, green, outer husk for me.  So what I have left if the traditional looking brown coconut.  It actually sort of looks like a hairy bowling ball.  Maybe I will use it for bowling.  Take some quarters of pineapple for pins and just go to town.  I don't know.
     One of the leading candidates for what to do with my coconut is to crack it open and sell it for water.  See, due to the way in which coconuts grow, a certain amount of rainwater gets trapped inside of them.  It is mostly pure and can be drunk without problem.  That is how many people have survived on desert isles in the middle of the Indian and Pacific Oceans.  So I could always sell it to one of those people.  Cash, check, Visa, MasterCard accepted.  I am also willing to do PayPal or C.O.D.  But I think I'd have better success selling it to the stupid people.  See, some stupid people who have way too much money to burn have begun to pay exorbitant amounts of money to drink a bottled version of this coconut water.  I mean, it's pretty healthy.  If used excessively it can also act as a laxative, which is convenient.  Because anyone who is willing to spend eleventy billion dollars for a 20 oz. of coconut water from Fiji or Ecuador or Gabon deserves to shit themselves silly while reading the latest copy of Cosmo or Log Cabin Living or something useless.  Maybe they are reading the nutrition facts from the coconut water bottle while forcibly ejecting their intestines.  And the best part is that they won't get any of that coveted nutrition that leaches in from the coconut meat because they will just pass it right through once the laxative part kicks in.  So this is the demographic that I am going for.  Listen, I know that I only have one coconut, but every journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.  So I start with my one coconut and we go from there.
     If I can't sell the coconut for it's water laden properties, I am thinking about cracking it in half and using it to make delicious drinks.  I have some girly wine that Teener and the Dingo left here.  I have some Midori.  I have some vodka.  I can get some rum.  I can pretty much make anything I want in my coconut halves.  I could even make a drink with the coconut water that's inside and kill two birds with one stone.  Plus, if I make the drinks strong enough I will get happy, so that's another benefit.  I would have to get a straw though.  At least.  You can't drink a drink out of a half of a coconut without at least a straw.  I think that that's a law in American Samoa.  I would actually prefer a little paper umbrella and some sort of crazy twisty straw, but I'd settle for a simple white, non-bendy one. Or one of those red and white striped one like pokes the orange on the Tropicana Orange Juice commercials.  I am not too picky.
     Another choice is that I could throw it at someone.  I think that this would be hilarious.  I mean, imagine walking down the sidewalk on a dreary day in Middle America, trudging through the slushy remains of the latest April snowstorm (two more on tap this week) and WHAM! out of nowhere a coconut lobbed from my deck takes you out.   Knocked out cold by a perfect shot from a start third baseman from the local traveling softball team.  Yeah, I would recruit her to throw the coconut for me because I don't have a very accurate arm.  And it would be awesome.  Guy would look at you and take a drag off his cigarette and giggle.  And I'd bring in my buddy The Dude to stand over you and talk mad shit.  And that would be the end of you.  Maybe I will make a giant slingshot out of those giant rubber bands you use to rehab after ankle surgery and lob it towards the beach.  It's only 2 blocks from my apartment as the crow flies, and it's lower in elevation so I think I'd have a decent shot of making it.  Wouldn't a coconut falling from the sky into the middle of your beach blanket cause total havoc in your life?  I mean, how much would the beach goers freak out?  Although I suppose that it would just make some of them feel like they were on a tropical beach.  Those are the drunk ones who drank my drinks out of coconut halves.  Or the stupid people who bought the coconut water.
     In the end I will probably do exactly what everyone else does.  I will hack and whack and crack at the extremely hard coconut husk until I can get it to crack open a little bit.  This will most likely involve a screwdriver and a hammer, maybe a hacksaw if I am impatient.  And once it is opened up I will drink the water and eat the meat.  I don't know what to do with a whole coconut worth of coconut meat since David Nathaniel said it is unsweetened and doesn't taste like you'd expect it to.  Maybe I will make something out of it.  Like a million billion Mounds bars.  Or one big seven layer dessert.  Who knows.  But I am guessing I will crack it and eat it and it will be awesome.  And then the parts I don't eat I can throw at someone.  Where's the Egyptian when you need him?


SandRiverGuy said...

the funny thing is i was smoking a cig and giggling when i was reading it. but beware the coconut is just as you heard unsweet but i dont like bagged coconut so i thought it was better i wouldnt try to eat the whole thing but i did see on man VS wild, bear (the name of the dude) making some food in it so maybe you could save it for a camping trip. and if you dont beleive me im sure duke seen it and will concur.

Big Dave said...

Thanks Guy. I appreciate the advice. Love that Man vs. Wild too...

biggy said...

I would say instead of cracking it in half to use as cups.. just cut the top off.. it'll hold more and probably be harder to spill with the higher sides.

sure you would end up with only one cup, but it would be a hella cool cup!

my other idea was to turn it on its side and draw a mouth for the eyes and nose it should already have. but i like the cup idea better.. specially with summer coming.