Saturday, March 29, 2008

Closing Time and Guitar Hero

     Okay, seriously, we need to talk.  I am not much into the bar scene, but I went out last night with Sister to go to a birthday/going away/welcome back to town party (because we're cool and we multitask like that).  I was at a bar that I do not frequent, in a town I don't normally go out in, granted, but I have noticed this phenomenon at a lot of establishments.  Okay, I understand that being a bartender probably sucks, especially at the end of the night.  You've been dealing with drunken and stupid people all night long, you still have an hour of cleanup left to do, and it's at least 2 am.  I get it.  I work in the service industry.  People suck.  But seriously, when it's time to lock the doors, screaming angrily at your patrons is not only unacceptable, it's also futile.  First of all, these people have been pumping tens and twenties into your till and singles into your TIP CUP all night long dillweed.  Second, screaming at them is like screaming at a bear that has just woke up from hibernation to get it out of its cave.  It's been there for a long period of time, it's happy there, and it's all pissed off.  Listen, the people who are left at bar close are the people least likely to be happy about being yelled at.  All the people who are going home with someone have left for their frat house, nasty apartment, local public bathroom, or their 1992 Ford F-150 extended cab.  Maybe their Audi if you live in a city.  So the people that are left are going home alone.  One reason to be pissed off.  Second, they are most likely terribly drunk, and terribly drunk people like to do what?  That's right, fight.  So bar guy, you are probably closer to getting yourself clocked every night at closing time than you know.  And the girls won't clock you, they will kick you in the sack.  Plus, you know who else is still there as you are trying to clear out the bar?  The sober designated drivers who are trying to help you with your cause.  And believe me, nothing pisses off the person who is trying to help you with your agenda and who still has to make sure all these people get into the car and get  McDonald's or Perkins or Coney Island or George Webb or wherever and then get home without puking or killing themselves or getting arrested in the process like being screamed at because they haven't cleared the bar quickly enough.  Be glad that they are sober and patient and that you probably won't meet them alone in a dark alley later that night.  Because, truth be told, the easiest way to clear your bar is not to scream at everyone, but to use a patient, constant pressure mixed with victorian Australian sheep herding techniques to get everyone and their coats and purses moved towards the door.  Work with your DD's and just be nice and it will be so much effective.  And you won't get kicked in the crotch.  It's a win-win.
     Okay, now, a quick note for you drunk people who are hopefully getting herded like sheep out of the bar-listen up! If after the bar you go home or to an after party and Guitar Hero gets turned on, take a moment, peer intently through the haze in your mind, and heed this advice.  Please, please, please make wise song choices.  Playing "Thunderstruck" or "One" by Metallica on Super Duper mode is probably not a recipe for success.  Because you aren't going to succeed, it's not going to be fun, and the only person who is going to love your rendition is the person who loves watching you get booed off stage.  And maybe the deaf girl on the futon if you are at an after party.  Seriously, play something by a pop princess, or the first half of Green Day's "Brain Stew" on retard mode.  And hey, the second half is so muddled you can probably pass by just mashing buttons like when a person with fat fingers tries to play Madden.  And whatever you do, don't even attempt to do anything in career mode, because your career will be over faster than Vanilla Ice's.  (By the way, a couple of guys when I went out were doing karaoke and they sang Queen's "Under Pressure" which everyone thought was "Ice Ice Baby." And 90% of people were disappointed and confused when they found out it wasn't.  HAHAHAHA!  But then I realized that that was because most of them weren't alive when Queen came out with that song, and that made me feel sad and old and just a touch creepy.)  So go easy on the Guitar Hero and maybe play Mario Kart or Grand Theft Auto instead, because those will be much more successful endeavors for you and you will have a lot more fun.  Plus, who doesn't love a game where you get to run people down?

4 comments:

KingBobb said...

I'm right there with you, my old creepy friend. We can be like Statler and Waldorf. And if it's any consolation, the very same wee ones mentioned in the rant won't know who those two are either.

BradPerala said...

Quick question...dont know if you would ever read this comment, but was this MY party we're talking about? it was sounding like it and the timeline makes sense...you dont have to answer if you don't want to...or if you don't ever read this...

Big Dave said...

BradPerala, it very well may have been. For the record, I still think bouncers need to take a more tactful approach to clearing the bars, I sill like "Under Pressure" better then "Ice, Ice Baby" especially when some guys at karaoke fake everyone out with it, and I am still firmly in the camp that you should only play easy songs on Guitar Hero when you are blitzed out of your mind. Or Rockband for that matter. When I play Rockband all plowed I play bass on super easy songs on the easiest level. Because when I am drunk I also want to be successful. Makes sense, doesn't it? I wasn't meaning to trash your party if it came off that way, I had a good time. Those were just some observations I had from that night.

BradPerala said...

no no no you you're not trashing the party. You made me remember it better. Not you're fault the good people of that establishment were rude. You are correct. That was one of the more fun nights of my life. I'll never forget it. I was happy to see you out there! I just had that moment reading this, like "hey, this all seems like something I was a part of..." and I totally was! Also, I didn't know if you were notified of comments on blogs from ages ago.