Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Pull The Thread

     There is always a fad, right Company?  Always.  One person, or a small group of people, decide to do something a little different and eccentric and all of the sudden, before you know it, everyone in Austin and Williamsburg are wearing Buddy Holly glasses and people who will never go outside when it is below thirty are wearing North Face fleeces.  If you are from and stuck in the 90s, please allow me to translate for you:  Suddenly, everyone in Seattle is wearing plaid.
     And so we have come to the latest fad for the Christmas season: the ugly sweater party.  In case you are not familiar with this fad and all of its idiocy, here is the gist of it:  People go out to thrift shops like they are Macklemore or something and buy holiday sweaters that are maybe a little tacky or over the top, and purchase them with money. 
A hipster in his natural winter coat. 
Then, they wake up in their post-industrial loft apartments, put on their skinny jeans, their aforementioned Buddy Holly glasses, knit caps and ugly Christmas sweaters, and get together to be sarcastic and talk about iPhones and drink eggnog or whatever.  Unless of course you live in Middle America, in which case you just go down in the basement, take your maybe a little tacky or over the top Christmas sweater out of the box marked "Christmas sweaters," and wear it when you get together to eat funeral potatoes and calico beans while playing Apples to Apples.  Either way, it is the big trend.  And either way it has to stop.  Immediately.
     There are so many problems with this whole ugly Christmas sweater thing that I am not even sure where to begin.  First of all - like everything - it has gone commercial and people have figured out how to make a buck off of it.  Back in the day you did just like above - purchased your ugly Christmas sweater at Salvation Army or St. Vincent de Paul, so the only entities that were making money off of it were charitable organizations.  Or maybe someone who was having a rummage sale.  And they deserved it because everyone knows rummage sales occur in the summertime, and if you are moving Christmas items at your Memorial Day rummage sale, you are a hell of a salesperson and deserve the three dollars you charged for it.  But now, now you can buy Christmas sweaters that are purposely make to be maybe a little tacky or over the top just for the sake of being a part of this stupid fad, which really takes away what the fad is about.  The whole idea behind the thing is that hipsters and snarky and sarcastic, and they bought sweaters that someone thought were nice and joyous and wore them to make fun of.  But when you go down to Younkers and buy a sweater that is manufactured solely to be snarky and sarcastic, you have totally taken the air out of the balloon.  You know how when teenagers are into something, and then as soon as the parents do it one time it is suddenly, deeply uncool?  That is exactly what this is like.
      The number two problem?  We should be nice to our grandmas.  Because, let's face it, you got your maybe a little tacky or over the top Christmas sweater from your grandma.  Or maybe your mother.  But in either case, it was given with real thoughtfulness.  Grandma Betty did not think that it was maybe a little tacky.  She thought it was lovely, because, why not?  Of course a sweater that looks like this


could and would only be loved by a grandma.  She really, truly though that was nice.  And here you are making fun of her.  For shame.  I know that you are in San Francisco there, groovy hipster, but you know what?  Grandma Betty has Facebook too, you know.  And she thinks you are a dick.  She is spitting in your Christmas cookies right now.
     The last thing?  It is just sort of unfair.  Not everyone has the ability to just go out and find or purchase an ugly Christmas sweater.  If you are an odd-shaped person there is no just going down to the thrift shop and getting one.  You would have to search fifteen thousand different thrift shops only to end up having to pay seventy dollars American for a brand new one from a specialty store or catalog.  For something you are only going to wear once.  That is ridiculous.  That is the problem with tuxedos, which is why you can rent a tuxedo.  Oh, you can rent an ugly Christmas sweater as it turns out, but only if you live in a major American city, in which case you are probably a hipster and don't need to rent one anyway.  Oh - and by the way - it really will be a one-off when you buy the thing to wear this year, because some of the hipster websites are saying that the ugly Christmas sweater fad has already run its course.  So maybe I should be happy about that.
       The point is this, Company: The whole thing is stupid.  In the words of Weezer, I do, desperately, want to destroy your sweater.  And so I will gladly pull the thread, macrame, iron-on felt decal, jungle bell, mismatched button, or whatever other thing I can find on this fad as it fades away into oblivion.  Because it is stupid and lame.  Maybe we can finally get back to the point where this guy


is lame and feeling ashamed.  Just like nature and Lois and I am pretty sure Weezer - but not your grandma - intended.  Happy Holidays everyone!

Friday, August 29, 2014

Jeff Winger Speeches: Advanced Gay

For those of you who don't know, I am a big fan of the television series "Community" which aired for five (5) seasons on NBC before being cancelled permanently.  Recently, it was picked up by Yahoo! Screen.  Since the mantra of the small but devoted fan base of the show has been that it should or will run for six seasons and that there will be a movie (#sixseasonsandamovie), this was a big deal.  In honor of this, I have decided to post the text of what I feel are the five most impressive Jeff Winger speeches from the show.  For those of you who are fans you will get it, for everyone else, you probably won't.  But I don't care, because this is my blog and I want to do it.  Also, I didn't have any other ideas for what to post and this sort of took care of that problem for me.  So anyway, we will continue with Jeff Winger's speech from Season 4, Episode 6, entitled "Advanced Gay."

Listen up, Colonel Cryptkeeper.  I could live a million years, and I could spend every minute of it doing important things, but at the end of it all I would have only lived half a life if I had not raised a son.  This was a gift that was handed to you - you squandered it.  And the reason you have so much hatred in your heart is because you're trying to fill the hole where your kid was supposed to go.  And now?  It's too late.  Now, you're just stomping around trying to prove you exist.  Well, mission accomplished.  But here's a question I'd like to pass on to you, from every son of every crap dad that ever lived: So what?  I'm done with you.  He's done with you.  The world is done with you.  J

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Jeff Winger Speeches: Asian Population Studies

For those of you who don't know, I am a big fan of the television series "Community" which aired for five (5) seasons on NBC before being cancelled permanently.  Recently, it was picked up by Yahoo! Screen.  Since the mantra of the small but devoted fan base of the show has been that it should or will run for six seasons and that there will be a movie (#sixseasonsandamovie), this was a big deal.  In honor of this, I have decided to post the text of what I feel are the five most impressive Jeff Winger speeches from the show.  For those of you who are fans you will get it, for everyone else, you probably won't.  But I don't care, because this is my blog and I want to do it.  Also, I didn't have any other ideas for what to post and this sort of took care of that problem for me.  So anyway, we will start with Jeff Winger's first speech from Season 2, Episode 12, entitled "Asian Population Studies.

Jeff:    Did someone say case?  Because I haven't made mine yet.

Annie:     What?  What's your case?

Jeff:     Ben Chang in my case.

Annie:     You can't be serious.

Jeff:    Oh I am serious.  I am Yahoo! serious.  I am Serious FM.  Welcome to the World Series of Seriousness sponsored by Honey Nut Serieos.

Annie:     Are you stalling right now?

Jeff:     Stalling?  Hahahaha.  Stalling.  No Annie, in fact, you're going to wish I was stalling...I just go it.  Get out of here.      I want to say some names to you.  Jeffrey Dahmer.  Ted Bundy.  Rich.  What do they have in common?  We don't know them very well.  What do we know about Ben Chang?  We know he's nuts.  We know he's dangerous, unpredictable, selfish.  We know he uses his name to make bad puns.  Wen he talks, he over, and under emphasises words seemingly at random.  When he eats, he holds his fork like a murderer's knife, gnawing at its skewered payload like a deranged woodland rodent.  We know he smells like Band-Aids, we know he dresses like a Cuban cab driver, we know he exhibits - nay - flaunts proudly, obvious symptoms of over half a dozen disorders you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy's pets.  we know these things about Ben Chang.  And so much more than we ever wanted to know about him.  Why?  Because it's there.  It's on the surface.  What you see may be what you don't want, but it's also what you get.  Who is this kettle corn popping phantom?  This human question mark. This number eight scoop of vanilla tapioca, with a PhD in being swell, and masters in "everybody loves me."  Who is it?  We may never know.  I only know one thing.  Nobody is this good a person.    And nobody, can get any worse than this.  Who's voting for Chang?