Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Jeff Winger Speeches: Asian Population Studies

For those of you who don't know, I am a big fan of the television series "Community" which aired for five (5) seasons on NBC before being cancelled permanently.  Recently, it was picked up by Yahoo! Screen.  Since the mantra of the small but devoted fan base of the show has been that it should or will run for six seasons and that there will be a movie (#sixseasonsandamovie), this was a big deal.  In honor of this, I have decided to post the text of what I feel are the five most impressive Jeff Winger speeches from the show.  For those of you who are fans you will get it, for everyone else, you probably won't.  But I don't care, because this is my blog and I want to do it.  Also, I didn't have any other ideas for what to post and this sort of took care of that problem for me.  So anyway, we will start with Jeff Winger's first speech from Season 2, Episode 12, entitled "Asian Population Studies.

Jeff:    Did someone say case?  Because I haven't made mine yet.

Annie:     What?  What's your case?

Jeff:     Ben Chang in my case.

Annie:     You can't be serious.

Jeff:    Oh I am serious.  I am Yahoo! serious.  I am Serious FM.  Welcome to the World Series of Seriousness sponsored by Honey Nut Serieos.

Annie:     Are you stalling right now?

Jeff:     Stalling?  Hahahaha.  Stalling.  No Annie, in fact, you're going to wish I was stalling...I just go it.  Get out of here.      I want to say some names to you.  Jeffrey Dahmer.  Ted Bundy.  Rich.  What do they have in common?  We don't know them very well.  What do we know about Ben Chang?  We know he's nuts.  We know he's dangerous, unpredictable, selfish.  We know he uses his name to make bad puns.  Wen he talks, he over, and under emphasises words seemingly at random.  When he eats, he holds his fork like a murderer's knife, gnawing at its skewered payload like a deranged woodland rodent.  We know he smells like Band-Aids, we know he dresses like a Cuban cab driver, we know he exhibits - nay - flaunts proudly, obvious symptoms of over half a dozen disorders you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy's pets.  we know these things about Ben Chang.  And so much more than we ever wanted to know about him.  Why?  Because it's there.  It's on the surface.  What you see may be what you don't want, but it's also what you get.  Who is this kettle corn popping phantom?  This human question mark. This number eight scoop of vanilla tapioca, with a PhD in being swell, and masters in "everybody loves me."  Who is it?  We may never know.  I only know one thing.  Nobody is this good a person.    And nobody, can get any worse than this.  Who's voting for Chang?

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Jeff Winger Speeches: Advanced Criminal Law

For those of you who don't know, I am a big fan of the television series "Community" which aired for five (5) seasons on NBC before being cancelled permanently.  Recently, it was picked up by Yahoo! Screen.  Since the mantra of the small but devoted fan base of the show has been that it should or will run for six seasons and that there will be a movie (#sixseasonsandamovie), this was a big deal.  In honor of this, I have decided to post the text of what I feel are the five most impressive Jeff Winger speeches from the show.  For those of you who are fans you will get it, for everyone else, you probably won't.  But I don't care, because this is my blog and I want to do it.  Also, I didn't have any other ideas for what to post and this sort of took care of that problem for me.  So anyway, we will start with Jeff Winger's first speech from Season 1, Episode 5, entitled "Advanced Criminal Law."

Jeff:     Gentlemen.  I am sure that you suspected that Miss Perry was pretty odd before the recess.  But if you could have heard all the stuff she just told me in the shower, you would realize that she is all the way out of her entire damn mind.  She doesn't want to succeed, because she doesn't think she can.  So she goes out of her way to fail.  That's crazy.  But, do we really want to make it a crime to be crazy at Greendale?  I mean look at us.  You two are arguing about status at a college that correspondence schools make fun of.  Dean, you want do bad for this place to be Ivy League that you are putting us at risk of electrocution.  Because everyone on this campus is nuts.

Leonard, from in the pool:     Not me!

Jeff:     Oh come on, Leonard.  If you're going to argue with me, put on a bathing suit.

Leonard:  Busted!  Hahaha!

Jeff:     If you want to rehabilitate your fellow inmate, you need to sentence her to staying here with us.  Because if crazy people can't be at Greendale, where are we supposed to go?


Monday, August 25, 2014

Jeff Winger Speeches: Pilot

For those of you who don't know, I am a big fan of the television series "Community" which aired for five (5) seasons on NBC before being cancelled permanently.  Recently, it was picked up by Yahoo! Screen.  Since the mantra of the small but devoted fan base of the show has been that it should or will run for six seasons and that there will be a movie (#sixseasonsandamovie), this was a big deal.  In honor of this, I have decided to post the text of what I feel are the five most impressive Jeff Winger speeches from the show.  For those of you who are fans you will get it, for everyone else, you probably won't.  But I don't care, because this is my blog and I want to do it.  Also, I didn't have any other ideas for what to post and this sort of took care of that problem for me.  So anyway, we will start with Jeff Winger's first speech from Season 1, Episode 1, simply entitled "Pilot."

Jeff:     Alright everybody!  I want to say something. Sit down. You know what makes humans different from other animals?  We're the only species on earth that observes Shark Week.  Sharks don't even observe Shark Week, but we do.  For the same reason that I can pick up this pencil, tell you it's name is Steve, and go like this, and a little part of you dies just a little bit on the inside.  Because people can connect with anything.  We can sympathize with a pencil, we can forgive a shark, and we can give Ben Affleck an Academy Award for screenwriting,  People can find the good in just about anything but themselves.  Look at me.  It is clear to all of you that I am awesome, but I can never admit that because that would make me an ass.  What I can do, is see what makes Annie awesome.  She's driven.  We need driven people, or the lights go out and the ice cream melts.  And Pierce - we need guys like Pierce. This guy has wisdom to offer.  We should listen to him sometime, we wouldn't regret it.  And Shirley.  Shirley has earned our respect, not as a wife, not as a mother, but as a woman.  And don't test her on that, because that thing about the jukebox was way to specific to be improvised.  And Troy, who cares if Troy thinks he's all that?  Maybe he is.  You think astronauts go to the moon because they hate oxygen?  No, they're trying to impress their high school's prom king.  And Abed.  Abed is a shaman.  You ask him to pass the salt, he gives you a bowl of soup.  Because, you know what?  Soup is better.  Abed is better.  You are all better than you think you are, you are just designed not the believe it when you hear it from yourself.  I want you to look to the person to your left.  Sorry, look at the person next to you.  I want you to extend to that person the same compassion that you extend to sharks, pencils, and Ben Affleck. I want you to say to that person "I forgive you."

All:     I forgive you.

Jeff:     You've just stopped being a study group.  You have become something unstoppable.  I hereby pronounce you a community.