Friday, December 14, 2018

The Least That I Can Do


     Deep within this amazing clip from this amazing movie, there is a gem of a line about life and more importantly, attitude.  Peter, played by Ron Livingston, explains to the Bobs, played by two people who are not Ron Livingston, that one of his two motivations at work was fear of losing his job.  But the gem comes when he says "But you know Bob, that'll only make someone work just hard enough to not get fired."
The amazing movie.
     It's true.  100% true.  And you can see it every day.  In some cases it is okay to not go extra miles just for the sake of extra miles.  If you are washing dishes, once the stuck on food is removed and the plate has been thoroughly wiped with the soapy rag, there is no reason to keep wiping the plate.  It is not going to get additionally clean the more you wipe it.  It is not your ass.  Wait, what?  Anyway, sometimes it is okay to just do the bare minimum to get the job done.  When you are doing dishes.  When you are striking out a batter.  When you are pleasing your lady friend.
    There are some times, however, where it is nice or even smart to go the extra mile to do things above and beyond, right?  If you are building a bridge across a creek, you could lay a couple of boards across and call it a day, but maybe some handrails would be nice.  An abutment or two so the bridge doesn't get swept away in a flooding event is probably worth the extra time and effort.  Are you changing the brakes on your lady friend's car in order to make up for not going the extra mile in the sack up above?  Smart idea.  Grease some bearings while you are in there.  Really get shit done.  Making a delicious pecan pie?  Pour some alcohol on top and light that shit on fire.  For effect.  Go the extra mile.  It makes EVERYTHING better, I promise you.
     "So what does this matter, Big Dave?"  I can hear you asking this.  "Why are you making me read about all of these things I do not care about?"  Well I will tell you, Company.  I am here to tell you that I am doing just enough to not get fired.  I haven't written a blog post to you since October 1, 2017.  Today, for those of you who live without calendars, is December 14, 2018.  That's over a year.
     But by me writing this post to explain to you how I am phoning things in, how I am doing the bare minimum, and how I am simply not getting fired, I am ensuring a number of wonderful things.  First of all, I am ensuring that 2018 will show as a year in the Filing Cabinet on the left hand column, which by the way is the tenth in a row.  Second, I can claim that I am America's #1 Big Dave Centered Blog for ten years running.  That phrase will be trademarked by the time you are done reading this sentence.  The point is that it is the bare minimum that I have to do to accomplish the goals that I have.  It is the bare minimum that I need to do to not get fired.  Have you ever heard the expression "It's the least I could do."  Well, this is.  It is the very least that I could possibly do aside from nothing.  So congratulations.
     Who knows?  Maybe I will surprise everyone and really go the extra mile in 2019, like I did back in the olden days of yore.  Maybe someone will steal my Salt book again. Maybe.  But I think we both know what will likely happen.  Maybe you will get the exact same blog next year with just the dates changed.  Or maybe I will go post date another post about our 10th Anniversary.  You never know.  But I can assure you one thing.  It will at least be the least that I can do.
   

Wednesday, March 28, 2018

The Tenth Anniversary

     Ten years ago, at this exact time (adjusted for time zones), but not in this exact place, I sat down at a keyboard and started something magical.  From that keyboard, and dozens of other keyboard and microphones since, has flowed a stream of words (admittedly slowed to a trickle lately) and ideas and jokes and thoughts that have encompassed ten years of the Big Dave and Company Blog, and the Big Dave and Company Podcast.  Along with those words and thoughts and phrases has been drug a plethora of you, Company. From places as diverse as Nashville, Tennessee; Stockholm, which apparently is somewhere in Canada; the Worldwide Headquarters; Morningwood Estate, and even a couple of bowling tournaments down in the City, the Company has always been the most important part of Big Dave and Company.
     In ten years I have learned that I cannot keep track of my books, that I can't score while watched by the Blessed Virgin Mary, that chocolate milk is apparently considered a sweet and not a beverage (which I still don't believe), and that even ten years later I still care what my mailman thinks of me.  I have learned that ten years later the things swirling around in my head still aren't always right or coherent or fit for public consumption.  I suppose that a tiger does not change its stripes.
     And yet change happens.  Just follow and read along. The writing on Sunday, April 20, 2008 - our first St. Peaches Day - is far different in tone and style from what you are reading today.  And there have been dozens upon dozens of blog posts that have never been written because the are not joyous, they are not funny, they are not what you would expect here.  They are all adult and reflective. Which maybe is okay.  There is nothing wrong with adult and reflective, but there is a time and a place for it.  And this isn't that place and now isn't the time.  I don't really have anywhere to go with this train of thought, I just liked that like and wanted to get it in. 
     The point of all of this, Company, is that I would like to thank you for sticking with me for the last ten years.  It has been immensely fun.  And the next ten years will likely be, too.  I hope you stick with me for those years.

The traditional tenth anniversary gift is tin and/or aluminium.  Anniversary gifts can be sent to:

Big Dave
c/o Big Dave and Company
Worldwide Headquarters, USA.

Happy Anniversary to us!

Sunday, October 01, 2017

Who Was At the Gas Station?

     So I went to the friendly local gas station in order to obtain fuel for my vehicle.  And as I was sitting there waiting for the pump to fill my tank, I was looking around at who was at the gas station with me, and it was the strangest crew.  So who exactly was at the gas station?

1.)  Me.  I am awesome.  But you already knew that.

2.)  The gas station attendant, whom we shall call Chad.  He always looks like he is worried when you first see him, but then once you start talking to him, he is really a pretty cool guy.  He got his limit of ducks today, and I am glad for him.

Golfer Greg Norman and his hat.
3.)  Bench Guy.  There was a guy just sitting on the bench in front of the gas station.  Just sitting there, which no one ever does except the woman who works there and really likes to smoke A LOT and apparently hates standing.  Anyway, he was wearing a hat like Greg Norman always used to wear for no apparent reason.  He might have been eating ice cream.  But that is not the point. Despite the fact that sitting on a bench eating ice cream is a totally reasonable and normal thing to do, it simply isn't generally done in front of a gas station.  In a park maybe.  Or at a bus stop.  But not in front of the gas station.  It was even stranger that he got up and left abruptly in his Lexus SUV when the Squirrely Guy left.  Like, not in a coincidental way, but in a very intentional type way.

4.)  The Squirrely Guy.  I did not see Squirrely Guy go into the store, but I saw him come out and it was 130% no good.  First of all, his first generation Ford Escape was parked in a manner that no one who goes to my gas station parks.  It is hard to explain but it was in the wrong spot and facing the wrong direction.  Based on the layout of the driveways and parking areas, you would have to either a.) consciously try to park like a dumbass in this place, or b.) make a really long chain of quesitonable decisions that led your vehicle to be stopped in that particular place at that angle in that direction.  I am going to assume that Squirrely Guy did the later. 
Seriously, who goes around holding their arm like this?
So he comes rolling out of the out door of the gas station and I am not even sure that I can describe it.  First off, he was holding his right arm like he had a broken or dislocated elbow, but I am pretty sure that he did not have a broken or dislocated elbow.  So he is slinking along the front of the building holding his arm in the weird way, and he keeps jerking his head back to look at Bench Guy.  He was sort of looking around harried in that way that a person who was wanted by the authorities would, but he was totally focusing on Bench Guy.  I have no idea what it was all about.  But when I saw Squirrely Guy I knew automatically that no good would come of him being anywhere near me.  Or my gas station.  Once he took off so did Bench Guy so I kind of assumed that one was about to sell drugs to the other, although I honestly couldn't tell who was selling to whom.

5.)  The PDA Couple.  I have seen the PDA couple hanging around the neighborhood all weekend.
  Yesterday, they walked past the Worldwide Headquarters down the road that no one walks down because it doesn't go anywhere.  They were holding hands then and they were again today.  They emerged from behind the Squirrely Guy's car and headed into the store.  Holding hands.  They are in their twenties as far as I can tell.  The girl is a petite blonde who dresses like you would expect a basic girl to dress in the fall: leggings, long flowing open sweater, but no Uggs, which was nice.  My very first impression was that she was high maintenance but upon further inspection I don't think that is true.  I assure you that she had pumpkin spice something withing the last 24 hours.  The guy was just like a normal, average guy.  T-shirt and jeans.  Like maybe he delivers produce to grocery stores or installs cable television in his normal life.  But they seemed to be in love.  I thought that they might be on vacation but then I saw the car.  A dilapidated 90s era Lincoln Continental, all beat to shit, with a donut on the tire and a really recent license plate.  They bought nothing but a 12 pack of Bud Light, which I suppose was to be suspected.  Once I saw them go rolling out in their hoopty ride, it all started to click.  I have a feeling that we aren't quite done with PDA Couple yet.

In and of themselves, the Bench Guy, the Squirrely Guy, and the PDA couple are not remarkable.  But put all together in one place, at one time, where none of them are regularly seen, and things got a little sideways awfully quickly at the gas station this afternoon.  It just had a really odd vibe, maybe not to Chad the attendant but to me it certainly did.  Although I never expect to see any of them again, excepting Chad and maybe 50/50 on the PDA couple, I can't help but think about where they are and what they are doing right now.  Are PDA Couple all drunk on Bud Light?  How is Squirrely Guy's elbow.  Did the drug deal go down okay?  Does Bench Guy's wife know about his bench lurking?  I guess that we will never know.  I just know that when we were all together at that one time at that one gas station, things got weird.  And they got weird fast.