Saturday, January 26, 2019

Hits You Right in the Feels

     Feels need a lesson, Company.  So strap on your mind-brain and maybe stop using your stupid tablet to play Fortnite and take some notes.  Because class is in session, and Professor Big Dave has on his blazer with the patches on the sleeves.
      The phenomenon which I am going to lecture on today, Company, is called the "feels like" temperature. This is a relatively modern idea, which came to be in the TV weather and Internet generations to explain something called "wind chill" to people who are fucking stupid.
     Wind Chill is a meteorological term that is used to describe the the effects of wind on the human body during weather.  Air, when moved across the skin, produces a cooling effect.  This works great in the summertime, because it makes you feel cooler when it is hot out.  Tropical breezes and all that jazz.  No one ever, never ever, in the summer goes "No, I would like to go sit somewhere stifling, please." 
You sit near a window, or on a porch, or on top of a mountain like Wilson Phillips, because the wind has a cooling effect on your skin.  Unfortunately, but rather predictably, the same holds true in the winter.  Wind, when moving across your skin, will cause it to feel colder in the wintertime.  In winter, though, you get some added bonus features.  Because not only does it feel colder, but the effects of cold on the human person are accelerated accordingly.  So when it is cold and windy, one turns into an ice cube faster than if it were just cold.  Or just windy, I suppose.
     Anyway, it is important, in northern areas especially, to know what the wind chill might be outside, so the good folks over at science whipped up a chart for us.  So, using said chart, I can see that if it is 5° F outside, and the wind is blowing at 30 miles per hour, then, as far as your human body and its ability to inherit frostbite is concerned, it might as well be -19° F, and you will get frostbite in 10 minutes.  Good luck with that.
   The opposite of Wind Chill is something called the Heat Index, which works the other way when it is hot out.  It takes into effect the humidity in the air, and gives an idea of how hot it effectively is to the human body.  Damp and muggy air make the evaporation of sweat off your stinky pits much less effective, so your body, when it is humid, cannot cool itself as well. 
Science made a chart for that, too.  So again, if it is 92° F, and the relative humidity is 55%, it is basically like being in 101° F temperatures as far as your body is concerned, and you should act accordingly.
     It all seems pretty simple, doesn't it, Company?  Several meteorological factors, when all added together, can cause the outside conditions (or inside if you really wanted to apply it, I suppose) to be a little deceptive.  So one should plan accordingly when doing outdoor activities.
     Something happened somewhere along the way, though.  Somewhere that really simple, basic understanding became too much for us.  And the media types picked up on it.  And suddenly the heat index and the wind chill got together, had a few Alabama Slammers, hooked up in a Shoney's bathroom and bread something called the "Feels Like Temperature."
     And in reality, the Feels Like Temperature isn't a bad idea.  I just takes all of the factors that go into wind chill, and all of the factors that go into the heat index, and combine them together.  And it gives a person an approximation of, well, what it feels like to your body outside.  The problem, as far as I can see, is the catchy title they have given to it, and the fact that it has completely pushed the actual temperature out the window.  Let me give you some examples.

**** ***** shared a post.
4 hrs
I keep hearing and seeing it's going to be -50 ish up in Wisconsin. Please be safe, folks.
I don't miss this shit winter weather.

Nice sentiment for sure.  But misinformation.  Temperatures were not -50 in Wisconsin a the time.  Wind chills were approaching that range.  But actual temperature?  Not so much.  How about another?

**** ********

2 hrs
-26 on the 26th.

Again, we have a fundamental misunderstanding.  It is not -26° on the 26th.  The Feels Like Temperature is -26° on the 26th.  Those are two very different things.  But people just don't understand the difference. 
 They cannot differentiate between temperature and Feels Like Temperature.
     I suppose it doesn't matter in the end.  If the Feels Like Temperature is the one that is really useful to a person in their daily life, then it makes sense to go by that.  I get it.  But I don't like it.  In fact it pisses me off.  It hits me right in the feels.  The feels like.
     See what I did there?

Friday, December 14, 2018

The Least That I Can Do

     Deep within this amazing clip from this amazing movie, there is a gem of a line about life and more importantly, attitude.  Peter, played by Ron Livingston, explains to the Bobs, played by two people who are not Ron Livingston, that one of his two motivations at work was fear of losing his job.  But the gem comes when he says "But you know Bob, that'll only make someone work just hard enough to not get fired."
The amazing movie.
     It's true.  100% true.  And you can see it every day.  In some cases it is okay to not go extra miles just for the sake of extra miles.  If you are washing dishes, once the stuck on food is removed and the plate has been thoroughly wiped with the soapy rag, there is no reason to keep wiping the plate.  It is not going to get additionally clean the more you wipe it.  It is not your ass.  Wait, what?  Anyway, sometimes it is okay to just do the bare minimum to get the job done.  When you are doing dishes.  When you are striking out a batter.  When you are pleasing your lady friend.
    There are some times, however, where it is nice or even smart to go the extra mile to do things above and beyond, right?  If you are building a bridge across a creek, you could lay a couple of boards across and call it a day, but maybe some handrails would be nice.  An abutment or two so the bridge doesn't get swept away in a flooding event is probably worth the extra time and effort.  Are you changing the brakes on your lady friend's car in order to make up for not going the extra mile in the sack up above?  Smart idea.  Grease some bearings while you are in there.  Really get shit done.  Making a delicious pecan pie?  Pour some alcohol on top and light that shit on fire.  For effect.  Go the extra mile.  It makes EVERYTHING better, I promise you.
     "So what does this matter, Big Dave?"  I can hear you asking this.  "Why are you making me read about all of these things I do not care about?"  Well I will tell you, Company.  I am here to tell you that I am doing just enough to not get fired.  I haven't written a blog post to you since October 1, 2017.  Today, for those of you who live without calendars, is December 14, 2018.  That's over a year.
     But by me writing this post to explain to you how I am phoning things in, how I am doing the bare minimum, and how I am simply not getting fired, I am ensuring a number of wonderful things.  First of all, I am ensuring that 2018 will show as a year in the Filing Cabinet on the left hand column, which by the way is the tenth in a row.  Second, I can claim that I am America's #1 Big Dave Centered Blog for ten years running.  That phrase will be trademarked by the time you are done reading this sentence.  The point is that it is the bare minimum that I have to do to accomplish the goals that I have.  It is the bare minimum that I need to do to not get fired.  Have you ever heard the expression "It's the least I could do."  Well, this is.  It is the very least that I could possibly do aside from nothing.  So congratulations.
     Who knows?  Maybe I will surprise everyone and really go the extra mile in 2019, like I did back in the olden days of yore.  Maybe someone will steal my Salt book again. Maybe.  But I think we both know what will likely happen.  Maybe you will get the exact same blog next year with just the dates changed.  Or maybe I will go post date another post about our 10th Anniversary.  You never know.  But I can assure you one thing.  It will at least be the least that I can do.

Wednesday, March 28, 2018

The Tenth Anniversary

     Ten years ago, at this exact time (adjusted for time zones), but not in this exact place, I sat down at a keyboard and started something magical.  From that keyboard, and dozens of other keyboard and microphones since, has flowed a stream of words (admittedly slowed to a trickle lately) and ideas and jokes and thoughts that have encompassed ten years of the Big Dave and Company Blog, and the Big Dave and Company Podcast.  Along with those words and thoughts and phrases has been drug a plethora of you, Company. From places as diverse as Nashville, Tennessee; Stockholm, which apparently is somewhere in Canada; the Worldwide Headquarters; Morningwood Estate, and even a couple of bowling tournaments down in the City, the Company has always been the most important part of Big Dave and Company.
     In ten years I have learned that I cannot keep track of my books, that I can't score while watched by the Blessed Virgin Mary, that chocolate milk is apparently considered a sweet and not a beverage (which I still don't believe), and that even ten years later I still care what my mailman thinks of me.  I have learned that ten years later the things swirling around in my head still aren't always right or coherent or fit for public consumption.  I suppose that a tiger does not change its stripes.
     And yet change happens.  Just follow and read along. The writing on Sunday, April 20, 2008 - our first St. Peaches Day - is far different in tone and style from what you are reading today.  And there have been dozens upon dozens of blog posts that have never been written because the are not joyous, they are not funny, they are not what you would expect here.  They are all adult and reflective. Which maybe is okay.  There is nothing wrong with adult and reflective, but there is a time and a place for it.  And this isn't that place and now isn't the time.  I don't really have anywhere to go with this train of thought, I just liked that like and wanted to get it in. 
     The point of all of this, Company, is that I would like to thank you for sticking with me for the last ten years.  It has been immensely fun.  And the next ten years will likely be, too.  I hope you stick with me for those years.

The traditional tenth anniversary gift is tin and/or aluminium.  Anniversary gifts can be sent to:

Big Dave
c/o Big Dave and Company
Worldwide Headquarters, USA.

Happy Anniversary to us!