Friday, March 15, 2019

Beware the Ides of March

     Eidibus Martiis - The Ides of March.  We have visited this subject before, Company, so I do not think that we need to go over it all again.  For decades and centuries we have been led to believe that we need to beware the Ides of March.  I am fairly confident that this is due to the fact that in 44 B.C. a soothsayer uttered it to Julius Caesar not long before Caesar uttered the equally famous "Et tu, Brute?"  Except that none of this is true.  All of these classic sayings came straight from the pen of one William Shakespeare, which makes sense because all of the classic lines come from Shakespeare.
The site of the original Globe Theater.
Not the photo you expected, is it?
     Now, we can get into what was really said a.) by the soothsayer, and b.) by Caesar when he was stabbed 23 times at the Theater of Pompey, but I am lazy and Wikipedia can do that just fine for me.   The point here, Company, is that from the minute that the first actor uttered that famous phrase "Beware the Ides of March" at the Globe Theater in 1590-whatever the Ides of March, and the idea that bad things will happen upon them, has sort of been a self-fulfilling prophesy.  We know the phrase, we've seen the play, we've seen the band Ides of March perform - probably at a casino somewhere - and we have sort of just begun to believe that things are going to bad on this day.
     And they often do.  I walked into the office wing of the Worldwide Headquarters this morning and was expecting things to go to shit because "Beware the Ides of March" and so it was.  I spent the entire day fixing things that I neglected to pay an intern to fix ten years ago.  And it was annoying and stupid.  Because I expected it to be.  And so it was.
     So what do we do, Big Dave?  How do we defeat this?  How do we make this end?  Well, Company, I don't think that we do.  The easiest answer is that we defy Journey and simply stop believing.  Remove the oxygen and the flames will die.  Insert other metaphor/simile/comparison here.  But truthfully, I don't want it to end.  There is something sort of mystically and magically human about the whole thing.  A bunch of guys in togas invent a calendar based on the moon, name a random day in the middle of the month, then stab their leader on that day.  Sixteen hundred years later a guy writes a play about it, and we just sort of take things from there and create something mythical.  It's the Ides of March and shit is going to go sideways.  It is all in our minds but we MAKE IT HAPPEN just through the sheer force of will.  Unintentional will.  Through the ether.  It is unbelievable, the power of the mind and the will.  Let's not squash it.  Or things might get weird.  Beware the Ides of March, indeed.  

Monday, February 18, 2019

Pinwheel Hops

DO YOU LIKE RECIPES, COMPANY!?  Good, because I have a God-damn recipe for you.

1- 12 oz. bottle of Miller High Life
1 - futon
1 - comforter
1 - stairwell to the Worldwide Headquarters Sublevel 3
1 - Dutch Door
457 - Important Documents

1.) Preheat oven to 375ºF.

2.) Place futon approximately 4 ft. from bottom of stairwell.

3.) Place comforter over futon.

4.) Spread important documents evenly across comforter.

5.) Install Dutch door at top of stairwell.  Leave top half open.

6.) Set 12 oz. bottle of Miller High Life (for maximum foam) on top of half open Dutch door.

7.)  Let beer rest for 10-15 minutes.

8.)  Once beer has rested 10-15 minutes, hastily open bottom half of Dutch door.

If mixed correctly, as the bottle of High Life should proceed to cartwheel down the stairwell, spewing beer and covering ever surface thereof.  Once reaching the bottom of the stairwell, it should bounce once high into the air, covering all of the important documents, all of the comforter, and portions of the futon with delicious beer. 

Do not set.  Consume immediately before beer dries.  Use caution as bottle may break during execution of the recipe.


Saturday, January 26, 2019

Hits You Right in the Feels

     Feels need a lesson, Company.  So strap on your mind-brain and maybe stop using your stupid tablet to play Fortnite and take some notes.  Because class is in session, and Professor Big Dave has on his blazer with the patches on the sleeves.
      The phenomenon which I am going to lecture on today, Company, is called the "feels like" temperature. This is a relatively modern idea, which came to be in the TV weather and Internet generations to explain something called "wind chill" to people who are fucking stupid.
     Wind Chill is a meteorological term that is used to describe the the effects of wind on the human body during weather.  Air, when moved across the skin, produces a cooling effect.  This works great in the summertime, because it makes you feel cooler when it is hot out.  Tropical breezes and all that jazz.  No one ever, never ever, in the summer goes "No, I would like to go sit somewhere stifling, please." 
You sit near a window, or on a porch, or on top of a mountain like Wilson Phillips, because the wind has a cooling effect on your skin.  Unfortunately, but rather predictably, the same holds true in the winter.  Wind, when moving across your skin, will cause it to feel colder in the wintertime.  In winter, though, you get some added bonus features.  Because not only does it feel colder, but the effects of cold on the human person are accelerated accordingly.  So when it is cold and windy, one turns into an ice cube faster than if it were just cold.  Or just windy, I suppose.
     Anyway, it is important, in northern areas especially, to know what the wind chill might be outside, so the good folks over at science whipped up a chart for us.  So, using said chart, I can see that if it is 5° F outside, and the wind is blowing at 30 miles per hour, then, as far as your human body and its ability to inherit frostbite is concerned, it might as well be -19° F, and you will get frostbite in 10 minutes.  Good luck with that.
   The opposite of Wind Chill is something called the Heat Index, which works the other way when it is hot out.  It takes into effect the humidity in the air, and gives an idea of how hot it effectively is to the human body.  Damp and muggy air make the evaporation of sweat off your stinky pits much less effective, so your body, when it is humid, cannot cool itself as well. 
Science made a chart for that, too.  So again, if it is 92° F, and the relative humidity is 55%, it is basically like being in 101° F temperatures as far as your body is concerned, and you should act accordingly.
     It all seems pretty simple, doesn't it, Company?  Several meteorological factors, when all added together, can cause the outside conditions (or inside if you really wanted to apply it, I suppose) to be a little deceptive.  So one should plan accordingly when doing outdoor activities.
     Something happened somewhere along the way, though.  Somewhere that really simple, basic understanding became too much for us.  And the media types picked up on it.  And suddenly the heat index and the wind chill got together, had a few Alabama Slammers, hooked up in a Shoney's bathroom and bread something called the "Feels Like Temperature."
     And in reality, the Feels Like Temperature isn't a bad idea.  I just takes all of the factors that go into wind chill, and all of the factors that go into the heat index, and combine them together.  And it gives a person an approximation of, well, what it feels like to your body outside.  The problem, as far as I can see, is the catchy title they have given to it, and the fact that it has completely pushed the actual temperature out the window.  Let me give you some examples.

**** ***** shared a post.
4 hrs
I keep hearing and seeing it's going to be -50 ish up in Wisconsin. Please be safe, folks.
I don't miss this shit winter weather.

Nice sentiment for sure.  But misinformation.  Temperatures were not -50 in Wisconsin a the time.  Wind chills were approaching that range.  But actual temperature?  Not so much.  How about another?

**** ********

2 hrs
-26 on the 26th.

Again, we have a fundamental misunderstanding.  It is not -26° on the 26th.  The Feels Like Temperature is -26° on the 26th.  Those are two very different things.  But people just don't understand the difference. 
 They cannot differentiate between temperature and Feels Like Temperature.
     I suppose it doesn't matter in the end.  If the Feels Like Temperature is the one that is really useful to a person in their daily life, then it makes sense to go by that.  I get it.  But I don't like it.  In fact it pisses me off.  It hits me right in the feels.  The feels like.
     See what I did there?